Donna Furguson Healing From The Inside Out

Summary:

Donna Furguson shares her story of being a domestic violence survivor that used her experience to help others live more fulfilling, empowered lives. She describes the massive bricks she faced and the whispers that helped her get out of that situation to find her path in life and happiness. She reminds us that healing happens from the out.

 

Episode Transcription

 

Intro Plays

 

Ari: Welcome to whispers and bricks. My name is Iris Sherwin, I’m your host I have with me today, Donna Ferguson. Donna is a very, very interesting woman from Australia. And her story basically is after experiencing domestic violence at the age of 21, Donna wanted to find a way to pursue her newfound gift. Working on a self worth, she discovered a way to heal from the inside out, and now shares this with her clients through self worth, emotions and feelings, beliefs and healing. from the inside out. Please help me welcome Donna Ferguson.

 

Donna: Good, how are you?

 

Oh, my pleasure, really. So how you been?

 

Ari: I’ve been fantastic. As always, I love doing what I do. And I enjoy every day regardless of what’s going on around me. Dad’s beautiful, that’s such a great, great way to look at life. Now, as you know, the name of this podcast is whispers bricks, the whispers of those voices telling us that what is the right thing to do. And they represent the good in life. And the bricks represent the bad things that we go through in life. And let’s be real, everybody goes through everybody has some bricks thrown at them at some point in time or another in their lives, whether it’s little bricks or big bricks, whether it’s a lot of bricks or a little bricks, but some people, you know, it’s always the the ones that look perfect are usually the ones that have the most trouble. Now, when it comes to you, you had several major bricks thrown at you starting at age 21. When you married into domestic violence, can you tell us a little bit what was going on at that time?

 

Donna: Ah, that’s a great question. I you know, I was a very adventurous child, I guess my creativity has always been there. And I took some steps in my life that led me to that relationship and totally responsible for that. Like, I’m grateful now for that journey, because it’s really given me a different way to see myself. You know, sometimes we have to go through things to open up and say who we truly are. And so 28 days after I was married, I went through

 

rific night that I wasn’t sure if I was going to live or die.

 

Are we talking about like, from abuse? Like, oh my god, I woke up in the middle of the night with a great startle. And I thought, oh, what’s going on? Where am I you know, that shocking, trying to get my bearings and where am I on what’s going on. And

 

I knew something had woken me up, but I didn’t know what it was. And as I kind of, you know, looked around and my husband was there and he kind of look in his eye was a little bit gray and steely and I sort of still didn’t realize what was going on. And as I started to lay back down the fist, close fist came and hit me in the side of the face. And I guess that was that was the beginning of that night was around midnight. And it went all night

 

in and out of consciousness, you know dragged by the hair bash cigarettes put out on me, oh my god, you lied there was quite a bit going on that night. And you know, that seven o’clock in the morning I got up and went to the bathroom and I looked in the mirror and I was horrified because I thought Who is that like? I had no recognition of of me at all. My face was bruised, it was swollen. My hair was so sore. My head was so sore from the hair pulling

 

and I just thought I need to share I need to get out of here didn’t know what I was going to do.

 

And I went and sat for three days down at the Cotter dam which is in Canberra in Australia. And we that’s our water supply one of the water supplies so I sat there for three days. In during the day I kind of hid myself in amongst the trees in the car and at night I sat next to the toilet block

 

because I there was lights there and

 

via if I needed to go the bathroom, I didn’t have far to go. And back in those days. I mean, that was like over 40 years ago, we didn’t have the fear of, you know, what would happen if you were sitting out alone at night, right? Sure. That was more in the home. You know, after, after my night there, I had that fear of being at home. So I’m sorry, mentally went home and got changed. And, you know, I didn’t know how to handle I didn’t know what’s gonna happen when I walked in the door.

 

And of course, he was sorry, that’s never gonna happen. Again, he had a bunch of flowers for me, you know. And as we all know, now, that is the cycle of domestic violence. Absolutely. So it was pretty hard for me to

 

succumb to

 

that ever happening again. I thought it was done. And I didn’t know anything about domestic violence wasn’t anywhere in my life prior to that. So, you know, it’s a journey that we embark on, because of the action steps that we take that lead us into certain situations and lead us to certain people. And I’m a strong believer of that. 

 

Ari: So what I did, let me ask it, let me ask you, so let me ask you something.

 

I’m assuming that very often, they say that, you know, people that suffer through domestic violence, it comes from

 

seeing it before in their own families, whatever. Was there any situation like that with your parents? It doesn’t sound doesn’t know your parents were like normal people. Yes. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. So, alright, so it’s not. So it’s a little out of the, it’s generally a little out of the ordinary, when somebody marries somebody that, you know, that suffers from domestic violence.

 

You know, it’s normally it’s something that it’s normally something that’s gravitated to, because they’ve seen that before, you know what I’m saying? But in your case, I guess, you know, you didn’t see before you had no idea what was coming? Um, did you? Did you by the way, did you reach out to your parents at all? Or did you not want to let them know about it?

 

Donna: That was two days before Christmas. So I didn’t want to Okay, spoil everything. Got it? Yeah, got it. Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Please continue. I’m sorry. No, not at all. Don’t apologize. So. Um, so you know, it kind of went on for a while. And, you know, the cycle was there, and you kind of live in fear. And the fear of, if you leave is far greater than the fear of staying, because they impress upon us so much language around.

 

You know, you’re worthless, nobody will love you. Nobody will want you.

 

I’ll kill you, if you leave me all of this language that you start to believe because it’s daily. Right. And

 

so, you know, while that was a bad night, that first night, there was no other nights that kind of match that was never that horrific after

 

no excuses. Like, didn’t matter. It was still violent, right. And then I fell pregnant with my daughter. And so that was kind of the change, and things during the pregnancy were great. Great. I was still living in fear every day. Right? Right. But there was no real need for the he didn’t use violence during that time.

 

And that change the day I went home from hospital.

 

So,

 

you know, that was pretty horrific time There was sexual assault, physical assault, verbal assault,

 

all of the above

 

the day I got home from hospital with my daughter.

 

And so when she was five and a half months old, I left I left that relationship, but it was the first time I realized that sometimes there is no thought there is no decision making. Things just happen. Because I came out of a job interview and all the way to the job interview. I kind of thought, you know what this is?

 

This is not going to be good when I go home after this job interview. So all the way in, I could tell by the language, the behavior. I was thinking, you know, this is really

 

I don’t know if I’ll ever see my daughter again, if I go home. But, but consciously, I wasn’t thinking of leaving.

 

So what happened was I came out of the interview and down the stairs, and there was absolutely no thought process. There was nothing, I did not make that decision. Somehow I ended up in a taxi in the opposite direction, and went to my mom’s work.

 

And now, it was never, what was your daughter at the time? She was in the car with my husband? The cloud, your husband? Okay. Yeah. So, um, I didn’t even have $1 to pay for that taxi. You know, they, they charge more than that for the flag for this year, these days, what they call the flag fee, right? Here in Australia. I’m not sure what they call it there. And so, for me, it was like, I’m here, I don’t know what happened. And my mom’s like, Where’s, where’s your daughter? And I was like, she’s not with me.

 

So I had all these emotions going on. But out of all those emotions, that was I just knew I needed to be then I, I had no idea how I’d got there. You know, mentally, I had no recollection of making a decision. I know, I was picked up and taken there.

 

And that was the first time I ever kind of connected to something being of a higher source, what we know now or refer to as higher source or spirit, right?

 

And so,

 

three days later, my daughter was reunited with me. He had brought her back, I must have known deep within myself or because I was guided, that she was going to be okay. I knew he had his sisters. I knew we had his mom. And I figured that that’s probably where she’d be. And you didn’t think he would be looking after her? For three days on his own? Right? Yeah, you know that thing. So.

 

So that was a relief to have her back. But that wasn’t the day I got my power back. The dial got my power back was a day I left a counseling session, which in those days, 40 something years ago, there was you must try and repair your marriage. Yeah. Right. There wasn’t any it wasn’t easy to get a divorce,

 

regardless of violence or not.

 

And I remember saying to the counselor, are you married? And she said, No. I said, Have you ever been married? She said, No. And I said to her, Well, I don’t think you’re in a position to tell me that I need to repair a marriage.

 

You know, hey, you know, I hear I hear that. It’s pretty, pretty amazing. Yeah. And I said, I think we’re down here. So going off, and I walked out. And when I walked out, and I got to the boss, and I stood on the bottom step, because he was right behind me. And I said to the bus driver, do not let this man on the bus. He’s gonna hurt me.

 

After having shut the door right behind me. So I’m lucky I pulled my button.

 

Ari: Wow.

 

Donna: And that was when I felt I have my power back that day. Because I had walked away. I had stood up. But more importantly, I took his power away.

 

Well, no longer had power over me.

 

Ari: So you picked up you took your five month old daughter, you walked out? You got a divorce? What happened? I mean, what did you do? I mean, where did you go? How did you support yourself?

 

Donna:  I stayed with my mom for

 

six or seven months, and then moved into what we call her government housing.

 

So that was all fine.

 

My mom said to me, I think we need to go and seek some information on Social Security. Social Security was like, where the government benefit comes from if you’re a single parent more anything else, you know, to do with government income.

 

And I was so ashamed and I went I don’t want to go there, mom. Yeah, shame, guilt. Sure. You know, all of these things. She said, No, I think we really need to go there. We need to sort something out. So you have some money coming in. So anyway, we ended up going and so yes, I was on a single parent.

 

benefit. I lived on that with my parents until I moved into the government housing. And then of course, I had the government housing, so I had

 

the income to support me and my daughter. Oh, wow, that sorry. Yeah. All right. How long was that?

 

Ari: Um, I was on my own for 70 years? Well, actually, no, not quite.

 

Donna: I was on my own for about three years,

 

and met somebody who, as it turns out, he was not the most faithful person.

 

However, a number of years later, I heard that he had a gun at the head of his partner and his daughter. So I’m like, I’m blessed that I didn’t go through with that relationship. Oh, absolutely. Sure. Wow. Wow. Thank goodness, he was not faithful to me.

 

There you go. You know, that was the blessing there. Right. Um, so but then my daughter was seven years old, then when I met somebody. So was basically seven years. And yeah, so then

 

we moved states. So we moved from Canada, which is where a very cold,

 

cold winter and very, sometimes extremely hot summer

 

to Queensland, which was warm winters, and very warm summers. But it was more an ocean will near the ocean. So we had the afternoon breezes and things. So it was really great as far as that goes. But interestingly enough, that relationship wasn’t great. And I came to realize, after I left that 12 year relationship, that there’s healing to be done inside out, you can’t just suppress everything and believe that, because you’re not talking about it, because you’re not feeling the emotions. Or because you’re not thinking about it on a regular basis, that you’re done with that.

 

Because we all know that suppression of expression

 

are those that are involved with their highest self and those that understand, you know, laws of attraction laws of vibration, universal laws, that

 

when you suppress your feelings and emotions, the physical sense of that becomes anxiety, that internal emotion and and condition becomes depression. And depression, as we know can form all different levels of illness or disease in our body, including mental health, physical health, can even cause some, some cancers. Because what are you, whatever you are suppressing, is definitely an emotion that can eat you from inside out. 

 

Ari: Wow. So let me ask you this. Let me ask you this, did you when you were going through this journey to get to a point so low, where you said to yourself, you know what? I quit. I’m giving up on myself. I’m giving up on my dreams. You know, I just can’t do this. I’m gonna, you know, roll up into a ball and, and I’m gonna die. You know, I mean, did you ever? Did you ever get to that point? If so, alright. How did you manage to turn it around and get out of that?

 

Donna: Yeah, really good question, Ari.

 

You know, I don’t

 

I don’t know that. When I was on my own I ever thought.

 

I don’t want to live anymore. I definitely had some really shocking days. Yeah. Ah, you know,

 

you question everything that you do. You’ve got a daughter, are you doing the right thing by her? I was in search of somebody that would, you know, be a father figure to her because I thought that was the right thing to do. I knew nothing about unique vibrations, energy.

 

You know, law of attraction. I knew nothing about that at this stage. So it was about you know, what I thought was the right thing for her and myself.

 

And, you know, when you think you’ve made the right decision, and it all falls apart, thankfully she was

 

Growing up by then, and she had joined the Royal Australian Navy. So I didn’t go through that separation with her and she stayed connected to both him and myself.

 

You know, for the rest of her life, basically, she’s still in touch with him. So and I respect her for that, you know, he was the father figure for her. But,

 

um, when I, when I left him, I found

 

networks of people that started to lift me up.

 

Ari:  were the these, these were the whispers that you are getting now, you know, after getting hit with so many bricks, my heart goes out to you, I honest to god, my heart goes out to you. But after getting hit with so many bricks, you know, it’s time that the whispers started to come and, you know, and help you move on. All right, I turn your life around.

 

Donna: Very much, very much. And, you know, it was then that I met people,

 

you know, through, I went to a work function, actually, it was like, what did they call it a conference or work conference over three days, two or three days, weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I think it was. And there was a speaker there. And I was like, oh, man, I want some of what he’s got.

 

He was he was high energy. And I’m like, I want some way. He’s got whatever is on me, like, I want that. Yeah. Um, and so I started to follow him. And then I started attending his events. And then

 

you know, if you connect with people, that’s natural, when you go go to these events, and I felt like I was being lifted. And then I met my current husband, and I didn’t met him, meet him at one of those functions. I made him elsewhere. But then he started to come with me. And we’ve got some great friends through that, you know, we’ve got some really fantastic relationships from that.

 

And

 

I got to a point, I guess it was a crossroads. Where do I keep spending a lot of money with this following following this person? Or do I look for something more, that’s gonna help me. So

 

you know, and I really truly always believed that you invest in yourself, but wasn’t getting the return for what I was investing was what I was looking at.

 

And so I went on a search for a coach

 

decided I wanted to help people, I wanted to bring people, you know, the high that I was on, right? You know, I wanted people to live on a high vibrational life, like I was beginning to do. And I talk to people and they ask questions, and they tell me things. And then, you know, I had people saying, you need to do this for a living, like, You’re good at this. Right. And, and so I was like, Okay, so maybe that is something I need to do. So I started a business and I thought, I need a business coach.

 

You know, and I spend a lot of money on coaches that you get partway through, it’s like they just not get not I don’t feel it.

 

You know, the winds were coming in you guys. It’s really what you want. Wasn’t self sabotage. And was it just not the right person for me? Then you got to decipher all those internal, you’re not good enough. What makes you think you can do this? Yeah. The noise in the chatter.

 

So I really,

 

I went through, I think two or three coaches, and I met somebody who I really resonated with. And she was one of

 

Bob Proctor’s highest consultants. And so I started working with her and I,

 

you know, Bob Proctor is all about law of attraction. He was in the secret, the movie, The Secret.

 

And I really resonated with this lady and I started doing the work and I just felt a shift. Well, I just felt things in my life were changing. And you got to do the work, right? Nothing happens if you don’t take any action 100% Nothing happens if you don’t change, like you’re going to get the same results. If you don’t change something, you’re doing all of this, all of this data coming out all the things I’ve had before. I’m like, why am I hearing this again, all because I need to act on this or I need to share this. Right. And so I was three quarters of the way through that coaching.

 

And I met I didn’t mean I’d known her for a number from the network I was involved with,

 

with

 

We’d been connected. I’ve interviewed her a few times on a series I was doing at the time. And we’re running into each other. And she’s like, she rang me up. She said, What are you doing?

 

And she said,

 

I know, I know, I can help you. Why don’t you coach? Why don’t you work with me, I’ll be your coach. And I was like, I’m loaded with Coach like, you know, kind of Florida, you know, all those things started coming up again. And she’s like, Donna,

 

the work that you’re doing with Bob Proctor staff and my work will resonate beautifully. I’ll make it affordable.

 

All right.

 

Donna: I’m thinking I’m in trouble. Because I’ve known her for 10 years, right, and years. And she always tells this story now. And she’s like, sometimes people will follow you for 10 years. Don’t they don’t know until a decision. Yeah, guys, do you want to tell him the story? I’m like, Yeah, okay. Right. Yeah, no.

 

So, you know, Sharon’s, like, Come on, I’m gonna make it affordable. And I still didn’t know. But the minute I started working with her, I started picking up clients, right.

 

So it wasn’t just the Bob Proctor stuff. It was her systems and processes, right, rather than the internal work that actually brought it together to work well, and so I still work with her.

 

I still work with her. I listen to Bob stuff every day. Right? I’m still doing the work. I structure a lot of my coaching around the context of his work, but have the systems and processes from me that I can implement, depending on who I’m working with. Right. So, um, you know, and as a Hypnotherapist? I can include that in everything that I do. Wow. Wow. That’s that’s just that’s it’s priceless. Yeah, just totally, totally priceless. So just, I’m just curious. You have a company’s called, or an organization called unique vibrations. What what what is that? What is that all about?

 

That’s a very conscious decision to rebrand and coaching business. I add.

 

Sorry, I’m the reason I wanted to rebrand was because I

 

wanted to step up. I wanted to develop

 

a business that was on a whole new level.

 

I consciously came up with a name unique vibrations.

 

Because I was very much about, you know, energy and vibrational energy and law of attraction. You know, I done a bit of work around that.

 

Thought I wanted to resonate with something that

 

you would

 

give people an idea of where I was heading. In my business, because I made a transformation as we do. We grow all the time, we learn new things, and we develop new things, and therefore we reinvent ourselves. And so what I did was the name was very obvious. I love the color purple. So purple was going to always be a color that was representative of my business. Mm hmm. Hence the purple Christmas. Yeah, there you go. But my purple shirt with my with my branding on it.

 

So

 

it was purple, golden white. And, like, it just came up, and then somebody came up with the logo, which you can see oh, you can see it on the background there.

 

The vibrations is very vibration, low energy.

 

Uh huh.

 

And it was more

 

then how was I going to implement what I know, into this, I wanted to be unique, but I wanted people to know that I was going to be working around, you know, vibration, energy, that sort of thing. And that’s how I developed the company. And then, um, you know, you just go from there, like, I knew the work I wanted to do. And that has changed. That’s changed over the last number of years. Since I’ve had unique vibrations, and I’m going through another big change right now. You know, I’ve got new things coming in for 22. I, you know, I’m working more with law of attraction. I know that I manifest things like this now. Wow.

 

In the last two weeks, I’ve had a massive shift

 

with things. The last three months or my last three months, I was writing things, you got to do the work. Right, right. Sure. Every day. Sure. I wrote my affirmations in a goal structured way, so that they’re in the present time. And I write those up every day. I have a list that I wrote up because I was like, two weeks ago. I’m thinking, You know what? Something’s got to change here. Who am I? I write, who am I to think I can?

 

Now that is a great question. Yeah. No, it’s opposed to Who do I think I am? That I can’t. You know, I got it. I got it. Really good. Really? Right. I don’t know you.

 

Right. Yes. Right. I write a list. You know, I’m a creator. I am a successful business coach. I manifest money from unexpected pathways. I am respectful of money. I am a great salesperson. Like the list goes on. So it was I am, right. That’s great. I am very powerful words. 

 

Ari: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. You something. So did you did you ever did you remarry?

 

Donna: I’m married. Yeah. I’m married to my husband. We’ve been married.

 

17 years in February. Wow. That’s all in February. Yeah. What’s your anniversary? 27. Oh, my God. My anniversary is the 25th Oh, wow. We were gonna we were gonna get married on the 14th of February. Yeah.

 

The person we had lined up to do our music. Couldn’t make it on the 14th. So we changed it to 27. Well, as it turned out, he couldn’t do the wedding anyway.

 

So we could have probably got married on the 14th of February. 27. Good. Yeah, absolutely. 25th 27

 

Ari:There you go. 100%. Now, you did you had one child from your first marriage. And any more kids or rather personally have any?

 

Donna: My husband’s got two children. Okay, so together, you’ve got three. And we have eight grandchildren? eight grandchildren. Wow, congratulations. Of course, you know, I’m going to tell you that you certainly don’t look old enough to have grandkids. Okay, I’m just gonna tell you that right now. Oh, you’re too kind? Yeah.

 

Ari: Let me ask you this, um, who’s the one person that you would point to, that you would say had the most influence in your life and why?

 

Gosh, there’s been so many over the years.

 

I’m going to go more recent.

 

And I’m going to say

 

Bob Proctor for the reason that

 

the work that he does, is

 

so powerful for people to understand, on a deeper connection about releasing the root cause

 

of any challenges or experiences that they’ve had in life.

 

To be able to move forward that inner healing. He doesn’t talk about inner healing so much, but the structure of these programs is very much look at who you are internally. Where did that belief come from? Why do you still believe that? He makes you look at who you are? I know. I knew you were gonna say that. And I’ll tell you why. No, I knew you’re gonna say Bob Proctor and I’ll tell you why. Because every time you mentioned his name or talked about him, your your face lit up. Okay, there was a shine there was a your eyes lit up. So I you know, obviously this man had a had a tremendous impact on you. So, so I get that. Before we go. Would you have any words of wisdom for my audience? I mean, I know I’m gonna be honest with you. I know there are people that have gone through or are going through some of the things that you went through. What would you what would you what kind of words of wisdom would you give these people?

 

I would say, and this might sound a little cliche, always trust your gut. Trust your intuition.

 

And the reason I say

 

That is, so often we can go somewhere. And we can have a feeling about someone because your intuition is your energy. So

 

we can go somewhere, and we can try and tell ourselves that that person’s okay or that that place is okay. Or that we want to look at 10 different things that we always come back to the original that we thought we were really happy with to start with.

 

It will never ever lie to you.

 

Ari: You know, we call that in, in our, in our, in our terminology here. We call those the whispers. Yeah, that’s what you call them. Those are the whispers that your god that’s that’s telling you what the right thing to do is and you have to listen, listen to those whispers and you’ll be okay. Wow, such great, great words of wisdom. Donna, I want to thank you so much for sharing your story with my audience. I want to wish you all the best good luck going forward. Oh, before we do that, before we go.

 

My question is if you want to get in touch with you, all right, what would be the best way for them to do that? Do you have a website? Do you have? I’m sure you do. Do you social media.

 

And where are you located? Exactly. I’m on new. I’m in New York. 

 

All right. So what’s the time difference between us? I’m just curious. Right? 

 

Donna: Okay. First question. Yes, I have a website WWW dot unique vibrations.com. Okay. And I’m on all the socials. Well, all the socials, I’m on Insta, LinkedIn, Facebook. Okay, great. So by me, they they’re the ones I’m active on. Wonderful. So you can message me through the and it’s

 

it’s either a combination of Donna Ferguson and unique vibrations. Facebook is Donna Ferguson and I have a unique vibrations page as well. Um,

 

what was what was the other part of that?

 

No, the other part was, I asked you what the time difference is? 

 

Ari: Yes. I don’t want people reaching out to you. And then you know, you know, a day or two goes by and they haven’t heard from you and they don’t realize that.

 

Donna: I think what is it? 16 hours between us? It is approximately 16 hours. We’re coming into 10am 10am. Friday morning. Okay, and I’m sitting here at 5:54pm on Thursday night. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Yeah, it’s around about 16 hours. So, um, no, I always have my phone on. Turned off while I’m sleeping.

 

My Fine I will receive all the messages fasting in the morning. I said rockin as soon as I turned my phone, which is you know, before I’m almost before I’m out of bed, right. So as soon as I’m up, I have my fine, ready to go. Okay, feel free. Um, you know,

 

through just reach out, just reach out. Just reach out. Okay, just Donna unique vibrations that come with www dot unique vibrations that calm

 

Instagram or LinkedIn, or Facebook, all the social media. 

 

Ari: Donna, thanks so much for sharing your story with my audience. I know you’ve touched the lives and hearts of them. of many of them. I want to wish you all the best. Good luck going forward. You been listening to whispers in bricks and I’m your host Gary shoma. Remember, if you feel like you’re stuck in the mud, you’re spinning your wheels wasting time and your career your business or your life. If you know you’re not enjoying all the success, satisfaction and significance that you desire, then it’s time for you to book a call with me at call with REI comm check out my whispers and bricks Academy. And until next time, listen to the whispers avoid the bricks and never, ever give up on your dreams. Bye for now.

 Herb Lust Find The Beauty In Life!

Summary:

Herb lust has had an amazing career in both the finance and art world but has faced many bricks, especially in his childhood. He describes the neglect and abuse he suffered and the whispers that kept him going. He reminds us that there is beauty in even the difficult times in life. That no matter how hard the bricks we face there are always things to be grateful for.

Episode Transcription

 

Intro Plays

Ari: Welcome to whispers rubrics. My name is Ari Sherman. I’m your host I have with me a special guest. His name is herbalist. Herb started his career in 1976 in the art world in France. It was three years later when he made the decision to go into the world of finance, and he has been there ever since. He just celebrated his 41st year in finance. I met her when he came to Cantor Fitzgerald in 2012. We work together he seemed to be the shy type and we really didn’t socialize together, do pleasantries between us but that was about it. It was only recently that I found out who herbalist really is, and what he had gone through that I decided to ask him to come on my podcast. Please help me welcome herb. Herb, how are you?

 

Herb: I’m doing great. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it.

 

Ari: It’s my pleasure. Now I got to tell you, you had quite a career in finance. I checked out your your bios and everything. But according to your bio, you actually started out in the art world in France. Can you tell us a little bit? Tell us a little bit about that?

 

Herb: Absolutely. So my father had an art collection. And he was an art dealer with along with his third wife. And I grew up in the art business. That was the business I always thought I was slated for. So I would go to auctions with someone I was a kid and that type of thing. And eventually, I became an art dealer went along into the family business. And after a few years, I realized that people were buying the art hat were making more money than the people who were selling the art. So I decided to do what they were doing.

 

Herb: Wow. Wow. So how old were you at that point?

 

Herb: Well, I graduated college in 19. So by you, but I technically I had been in the art business all along, I was always helping deliver pictures and meet customers and work in the back of the gallery and that type of thing. So I majored in art history is one of my two majors. So it was pardon, but it was part and parcel of My Life for a very, very long time.

 

Ari: Wow, wow. Okay, great. So, as you know, the name of the podcast is whispers and bricks. Now the whispers are those voices telling you what the right thing to do is, and they represent the good in life. The bricks represent the bad things that we go through in life. And everybody knows, you know, there is no, no matter how good life seems to be on somebody else, there’s always an issue, there are always life’s not a straight line ups and downs, many bumps in the road. And again, what might seem like a perfect life most often is not. Now, when it comes to you, you got hit with a ton of bricks, excuse the pun, early on in life. You do you remember how old you were the first time your mom left you alone in your apartment? And what was that like?

 

Herb: Well, I’m about five years old, like five years old, early, six years old. And you know, most of the time, I was more quietly amazed, you know, I opened a frigerator there might be a half a banana, or nothing, or three or four grapes or something. And I just remember everything being very quiet, you know, and sort of just shutting things out and just not really fully letting myself experience what was really going on. Which you know, was a temporary expedient at work that got me through whatever that moment was.

 

Ari: Now, are you an only child?

 

Herb: Tech technically, I mean, I have half sister half brother, but I wasn’t raised with Him. So I was raised as an only child. Yes.

 

Ari: Right. Okay, great. So, wow, that I can’t imagine what that must have been like. But you know, it only it only gets better, so to speak. All right. And I’m saying that sarcastically Yep. Because when you were about six years old, I don’t get your mom tried to commit suicide and you actually saved her life.

 

Herb: Yeah, it what happened was she, she and I heard this groaning from the back from the bathroom, right? We were living alone on the Upper East Side, the 60s in New York Avenue, first seven or something like that. And in Manhattan, and I heard this groaning and it was my mother’s groaning in the bathroom. So I opened the door to the bathroom out of concern for my mother, obviously, and there’s blood everywhere. And she shows me her wrists and her wrists are slashed. Now. Now she had slashed them horizontally, which I now know is highly ineffective way of committee. Suicide via that method, you slashing vertically along the veins, and then you really bleed to death. He obviously didn’t know what she was doing. She risked cutting your tendons and not losing use of her hands forever after, but that didn’t happen either. But I mean, it’s very specific memory because she was obviously sobbing and crying hysterically and all this type of stuff. And I remember the the glint within her cut open wounds of the light bulb from the ceiling, you know what I mean? That reflection, you know, the glistening of the the lamp light, and she held out her wrists and I, I grabbed the gauze and I that was that I knew was underneath the sink, and I wrapped up her wrists where she was kept on holding out to me. And then the only phone number I knew was my babysitter’s. So I called the babysitter, and the babysitter came over.

 

Ari: Wow. And then I guess somebody must have called an ambulance or something.

 

Herb: Yeah. Maybe after that I really kind of blank out. You know what I mean? Right? Yeah. What happened was ultimately she ended up in Bellevue. My father lived in Illinois, the authorities called him, he came to New York. And and I mean, you know, after spending a night with a babysitter, he was there the next day, and I stayed with him in a hotel. And then there was a custody battle, obviously, and eventually the court granted him custody, which 1963 was highly unusual. Right,

 

Ari: right. I was gonna get to that in a minute about that verdict, that actually, again, changed your life again. But you mentioned to me that your mom had epileptic seizures. That’s, that’s true. Yeah. When When? When was that? And was that like, just throughout the course of, of your life? Or was that specific times what? What was going on?

 

Herb: Well, I mean, you know, you never knew when the what they call the grandma, these very large epileptic seizures, you don’t know, when they were happening. I remember one time, she took me on a day to introduce me to some guy that she was particularly fond of, apparently, and some Hungarian restaurant at 57th street, I think it was actually still there for until quite recently. And, you know, they had like, live violin, Hungarian music, whatever, and then dance. And then I saw it, you know, those were the days where, you know, she wore makeup or women commonly wear makeup. So I remember seeing a little dribble of wine down the side of her mouth. And then she starts trembling, the gentlemen that she with his eyes starts bulging, he has no idea what’s going on. I get out of the way, she goes into a full seizure, on the floor, and you know, with, you know, her arms or legs flailing all over the place and eyeballs going in different directions. And then, you know, her eyes lock on me. And it’s very typical to go into an incredible rage when you come out of these seizures, and have absolutely no memory of anything. So she was looking at me and saying, How are you get them out of here, you know? And and I’m going mommy, mommy, mommy, and then event. So I spent, you know, the next couple of nights with the owners of that Hungarian restaurant as an example. Oh,

 

Ari: wow. Oh my god. So in 1963, that’s when you add up again, the victim of a custody battle that your father won. And if memory serves me correct, it wasn’t the greatest experience.

 

Herb: Now, what was going on there, she had his own prop up. His idea of punishment was to take a hatchet handle and beat me with it. So he would beat me basically, from, you know, head to toe on my backside right? And I would get these softball ball size bruises over my body, and it’d be things like, if I didn’t get him the morning newspaper at seven o’clock in the morning, got to it like 710 in the morning, or I didn’t take out the garbage or something like that. So and he did it more when I was young, it got less and less the older I got. But it was quite often it was quite often Wow.

 

Ari: Wow. And I guess there’s nobody to protect you nobody to

 

to step in. I guess there was no such thing as or they know things like child services or anything like that at the time. I have to imagine I I can’t imagine living through that. I just wow. So how old were you when when your when your dad got custody of you? Six. He was six years old. So all of this was going on. By the by the time you were six all this has been happening to you. Yep. That’s that’s man.

 

Herb: I mean, you know, and the thing is, you know, I had a stepmother and she was an alcoholic because she got drunk on her skull. You know, every night basically. And And at one point, you know, she broke all the windows in the house and also started yelling at me while she was sprawled on the floor out of her mind. And, and then the violence wasn’t only directed me. I mean, one time, she bought like a cactus for $2.39, something like that without his permission. So he beat her up, and she had on a white turtleneck shirt at the time. And in order to remind her, you know, the how she had misbehaved. He made her wear that bloodied turtleneck shirt without it being washed for 30 days in a row. It was unbelievable.

 

Ari: Oh, thank God. With all due respect, how did you wind up normal? Well,

 

Herb: I mean, there are people say, I’m leaving that to one side, you know, I don’t really know, I think I was just lucky in the sense of knowing right away that this isn’t how was supposed to be. I will say this, that my father’s mother, grandma, Jenny was a very, very, very loving person. And I knew that she really loved me. And I and I knew that for sure. And of course, you know, she’s a saint, the name in my memory. And I think that helped me a lot. I also think that, you know, from six to 13, I lived out in the country. And the nature really helped me a lot. Furthermore, the the gallery was open from 12 to eight, and it was an hour away. So what would happen is, I would wake up early in the morning, go to school, and I make myself breakfast, they were still asleep, right? And then and then I would go to school, I’d come back three, four o’clock, in the afternoon, five o’clock, something like that after school, and they wouldn’t get home until eight o’clock, nine o’clock. Right? So there was lots of times where I wouldn’t see them. And if they were out entertaining, then I would put myself to bed before they would show up. So I could go for two, three days at a time, you know, without seeing them. A lot of times, I would stay at my friends. You know, I had a close friend of mine whose mother asked me once very seriously, you know, you want me to take you to the sheriff’s office? Because she saw the bruises. Right, right. No, no, no, no. Like that. But I was spent a lot of time at other people’s places. And I think that mix did help me, you know, string along. Wow.

 

Ari: So what did your mom do for a living?

 

Herb: Well, I mean, initially, she had spent a year or so working for the FBI. She didn’t like that. Then she worked

 

Ari: full time at about how did she get a job with the FBI?

 

Herb: That I don’t know. I have no idea. I was boring. She was she was forced to, you know, follow some guy for a year. And he never did anything. And so she thought it was an interesting, so she ended up quitting. Wow. And then what? Then she worked at Scribners. You know, there’s the old Scribners building in the 50s on Fifth Avenue, which is known as the clothing store. And if you go in the back off the right and the ground floor that used to be the children’s bookstore area. And that’s where she worked for a number of years. Finally, she ended up being a full time mother to other children with a different husband. And apparently, in that particular relationship, she didn’t find, in fact, find peace. She converted to Orthodox Judaism. He was Sephardic. And apparently that structure actually works for her and calmed her down. I met her first cousin, many years after her death, and she said that she had found peace through that, which was nice enough.

 

Ari: Wow. Wow. Now. When was the last time that you saw your mom? When I was 12? When you were 12? Yes. And that was the last time? Correct. Were you Was there any were you in touch with her at all?

 

No, no, no phone conversations? No letters? Nothing.

 

Herb: Wow. Now you, you mentioned that your mother has passed away? I mean, how old was she when she passed away? She was 51. Man. I was 21. Wow. Wow. So at that time, where were you living? We live in with your dad. Have you? Are you

 

on my own? I graduated college in 19. So I was living by myself.

 

Ari: Did you graduate college at 19?

 

Herb: I mean, I graduated high school in three years. I graduated college in three years.

 

Ari: Wow. Wow. Okay, so I guess you’re smart.

 

Herb: Maybe? Or maybe the people who were grading me you weren’t as intelligent as they should have been?

 

Ari: No, I think I think you’re I think it’s you’re very very bright. I think that’s what it was. That’s all Thank you. If you don’t mind me asking how did she die? How did your mom die? Do you know?

 

Herb: Yeah, well, she had a headache. And she went To the hospital, and 24 hours later, she was dead. She had brain cancer, but apparently was the kind of brain cancer you don’t necessarily feel until it just absent so

 

Ari: well, and you were how old at that point? 21. You said

 

anyone I found out about it a couple years later, but yeah, I was 21 at the time.

 

Wait, what? Whoa, timeout? What?

 

Herb: Well, I didn’t have any contact with her. So I only found out two years after the fact.

 

Ari: So then how did you find out with you,

 

Herb: you know, various people who knew or etc. And they tracked me down and I saw content. Oh, wow. Now,

 

Ari: are you married?

 

Herb: No, I’m divorced time. I’ve been single for about eight, nine years now.

 

Ari: Single for about nine yearst. You have kids? Yes, I do. Boys, girls, how many? How old? Come on, come on. Well, it’s about you.

 

Herb: More than more than one. I had one marriage that had no, no issue. And that ended, you know, then. And then I had another marriage. I had three children. Okay. And then I had another marriage. I had two children. Okay, that ended and three are young adults. And the two are, you know, in seventh grade, and they’re all doing well.

 

Ari: Oh, wow. Wow. Okay. I mean, I can’t imagine. All right, what you’ve gone through, and how you’ve gone through. I can’t imagine how you stayed sane. But, you know, I do know you on a personal level. And I will attest to the fact that you are saying you’re a little strange. But you are saying but you’re definitely saying. Last but not least, let me ask you this. Do you have any words of wisdom for my audience? And what I’m asking you really is? That? If, well, let’s start with that. Do you have any words of wisdom for my audience?

 

Herb: Well, the first thing is, you really should love life. Life is very precious. And the worst things are, the more beautiful those moments are that are good. And no matter how tough life is, that is beauty in the world. There is beauty and other people, you should cherish every moment of happiness you have. And children bring you joy and children are my strength. Children have healed me. And life is really worth living and really worth affirming and actually beautiful. And the more difficult it is, the more beautiful it obviously is. And you should cherish it all the more. Wow.

 

Ari: No, I do know that you ended your story with I think you said at the age of six. You said your mom was the most beautiful woman you had ever known. Yep. And you still believe that to this day, though?

 

Herb: I still think she is I still think she yeah,

 

Ari: that’s that that’s special. That’s really special. So let me ask you, then, you know, after listening to your story, I know that there are people out there in my audience that have gone through or are going through some of the things that you’ve gone through some little better, some a little worse. If you want to get in touch with you just to like offer words of encouragement to you, or to ask your advice on would you first of all, would you be open to that? And trying? Okay, so what would be the best way for people to get a hold of you? What’s the like? Yeah, well, website or something or just social media or email or what what?

 

Herb: Well, the only social media I have an easiest way to get in touch with me from that point of view is on LinkedIn, I have a LinkedIn profile. You can message me, or you can, you know, ask for us to connect and anything like that, and then we can take it from there.

 

Ari: Oh, great. That’s That’s wonderful. Herb. I mean, again, I am, I’ve got a lump in my throat. I gotta be honest with you. Thanks so much for sharing your story with my audience. I know that you’ve touched the lives of 1000s of people. You may not know it, but you really, really have and I wish you all the best going to you know your kids. Oh, by the way, I will tell you if you think kids are great. Wait till you have grandkids. That’s what they say. Oh my god, I will tell you this. I have I have a bunch of grandkids. And and by the way, this truth, this truth in the saying that children are our parents and no grandchildren, our parents revenge on their children. Wow. That’s funny. So anyway, Well, we certainly do I wish you all the best. I wish you so much. Thanks so much. You been listening to this prison bricks and I’m your host Gary Shermer. Remember, if you feel like you’re stuck in the mud, like you’re spinning your wheels, wasting time, your career, your business your life. If you know you’re not enjoying all the success, satisfaction and significance that you desire, then it’s time for you to book a call with me at call with ari.com Check out my whispers unbrick Academy and until next time, listen to the whispers avoid the bricks and never ever give up on your dreams. Bye for now.

Paula Vail The Path to Happiness

Summary:

Paula shares her story from being born premature, to owning a restaurant as a single mother to being an author and reiki healer. She reminds us that we all go through up and downs but it is all part of the journey. It is good to pursue our goals but to remain open to the opportunities that come our way. That we should be grateful for every day. It is a reminder we all need from time to time.

Episode Transcription

 

Intro Plays

Ari: Welcome to whispers and bricks. My name is Avi show and I’m your host with me today on today’s episode is Paul avail. Paul Paula is the owner slash founder of wellness inspired and wellness inspired publishing. She’s the TV slash radio host of the show, elevating your life with Paul availe. She is also the author of the book, Why am I so happy, which was awarded the Bronze medal in self help books by global Book Awards. She co authored the book America’s leading ladies who positively impact our world, along with Oprah Winfrey and others. She’s an inspirational speaker and prior restaurant owner Paul is a Reiki Master slash teacher in Usui Reiki, Paul has a sincere passion to serve, inspire and support others. She was featured in New York City Times Square by the Continental who’s who organization as a pinnacle professional, and has been featured in and on the cover of multiple magazines. These include recently, Publishers Weekly, speak magazine, and two times in the Women of Distinction magazine for her achievements in business in life. Most recently, she was a watered empowered woman of 2019 and top female professional of 2018 by the International Association of top professionals. Please help me welcome Paula. Val. Paula, how are you?

 

Paula: Fine. Yeah. So happy and honored to be here with you today. Oh, my gosh.

 

Ari: Well, thank you. It’s my pleasure. I’m honored that you agreed to come on my show. I really appreciate it. We’re gonna have a lot of fun, we’re gonna do some schmoozing together, we’re gonna hear about your life, you’re going to have some I’m sure inspiration for my audience. And it’s going to be a great, great show. Okay, so let’s let’s dive right in. Okay. Now, after reading your bio, and speaking with you prior to the show, I learned that you have certainly done a lot in your lifetime. Now, as you know, the name of this podcast is whispers and bricks. The Whispers are those voices telling us what the right thing to do is, and they represent the good in life. And the bricks represent the bad things that we go through in life. And let’s be real, everybody gets hit with a brick in their lifetime at some point in time or another sometimes several bricks, sometimes bigger bricks, sometimes smaller bricks, but we all get hit with them. And we also have to listen to the whispers learn how to listen to the whispers, which help us avoid the bricks or come to us as an Well, we all know that life is not a straight line. There are many ups and downs many bumps in the roads. And what might seem like a perfect life most often is not. Now you came into this world with a brick right off the bat. You were born premature. Tell us a little bit about that.

 

Paula: Yes, I was premature eight weeks. I was less than three pounds. My parents were told that they should not expect me to survive the night. They brought in a priest gave me my maths right?

 

Ari: Oh my god.

 

Paula: Yes. And my dear father, this was in Grays Harbor County in Washington State. He said I will not accept that. Put her in an ambulance and take her to Seattle to the Children’s Hospital. And so they did. And they kind of figured out what was going on. I was actually when they tried to feed me I was drowning. Oh MA and it was something was going on. The fluid was going into my lungs. And they operated on me and I think at six months old I weighed seven pounds or something. But anyway, I survived and that put something in me that’s been with me my whole life is I’m grateful for every day. I was meant to be here and I’m going to be grateful for that and be a positive energy in the world really did something to me.

 

Ari: Absolutely. You know, you know what they say every day. above grounds of good day. Yes. Okay. So we got through that, thank God. All right, but then we get to school, right? What happens in school?

 

Paula: I was, I was shy, I was very thin, shy. And in junior high high, I was bullied quite a bit. And bullied in school one year, I didn’t even take my coat off. I wouldn’t even take my coat off. Because I was made fun of notes were put on my back, things like that. And dear uncle, dear aunt and uncle who I spend every summer and holiday with he, he helped me through that, and he made me realize that’s, that’s everyone else. And I made the decision one day, I said, love me or don’t, I’m just going to be me. And that really set me free. Wow. And really helped me with that. And it’s really funny, because my whole life I always kind of wondered, why was I picked on though, what did I do wrong? And it was just a few years ago at a high school reunion. A gentleman came up to me and said, Paul, I just want to apologize that I I picked on you in school. And I asked a question, I’d always wanted to know his his why? He said, Because you were really shy and nice. And it was easy. Give me my answer. It wasn’t the unique who I am my you know, it was I was the character type that was easy for them. Yeah, pretty interesting, isn’t it?

 

Ari: Wow. Absolutely. Absolutely. So you had that little bricks thrown? You got through it. You picked yourself up by the bootstraps. And what do you do you go on to college? Right? You graduate from college? And then instead of becoming an accountant, like you thought you were going to do something else happened? What was that?

 

Paula: Yes, I worked in restaurants during college, and I started working at Lorenzo’s in Tacoma. When I was finishing up school, and I had it all planned, I was gonna be an accountant, I was gonna have a sign on my porch. It was all planned. But I fell in love with the restaurant business, I fell in love with service. And with that I worked there I was there. 27 years I became the manager. I bought it and we’re I’m going to have to share the story how that happened. But all that it just, it really showed me that you can have a set plan, but discover something else and find a passion you didn’t even know you had. It’s It was amazing.

 

ari:Absolutely. You know, it’s it’s kind of like my speaking business that grew out of 911. It’s something that I should have really had, I realized that early on my whole life would have been different. Because I found out that I had a natural talent for public speaking. And I said, Man, I wasted like 35 years, because I never knew this. And if I would have known this 35 years ago would have been a completely different ballgame. But so I get what you’re saying that, you know, sometimes the best laid plans, and all of a sudden, something else happens and you go like, wow, I didn’t know I could do this. So tell us more. Tell us more about the restaurant. How did you come to own it?

 

Paula: Oh, it was amazing. But I do I do want to mention real quick. I adore your book. It’s life changing. I read it in one night. I’m giving copies for Christmas presents. And I want to thank you for that. But yes, I worked through the restaurant. And I loved my customers. I loved working with the employees we had so you know worked hard, but had fun. And it was hard as a mother working that many hours. But occasionally I could bring the kids with me. We had an apartment upstairs. They could have room service. When they got older. They worked with me. But my whole future was Sunday. I’ll own the restaurant the owner and said I can buy it when we retired. And that will that’s what I’m working for. And the kids worked with me. And then I went through another brick. My husband life was great. He loved his job. I was loving running the restaurant, being a girl scout mom and all that and we just bought property built a house and And he had Crohn’s he had had Crohn’s since he was about 19. Well, it acted up. And he had a couple surgeries that took out big pieces of his intestine. And it was very painful. He got addicted to the pain pills, became a different person, added alcohol, and killed himself at 34 Oh, my God was a mother, single mom running a restaurant. And, you know, that was really a chain. It was like, and I went, you know, do I be angry at the rest of my life? Or do I be grateful I had them, you know, I had to make a decision. But those are bricks get thrown at us, you know, and we really do have to go a different direction. So I continued to run the restaurant and was going, the owner was getting ready to retire. He had said, This is what you need for a down payment, not carry the contract. I had saved and saved and saved. And my father helped me some and I and I had what he needed. And I come into the restaurant one day, and there’s a few, a couple gentlemen sitting with them. And he comes to me and he says, I’ve decided I may sell to someone else unless you give me another $100,000 down. Well, oh, I was working minimum wage raising kids. And that was like a million dollars to me. And I didn’t even have a credit card. I had always paid everything. I wrote a check or paid cash. I went to the bank and asked for the loan and they pretty much laughed me out the door and said you want to buy a restaurant little girl. I was heartbroke all those years all. And I just, you know, I sat down and just went It’s just what’s meant to be It’s just what’s meant to be. I just I was heartbroke

 

Ari: How old were you at the time? How old? Were you?

 

Paula: In my 30s in my 30s? Okay, yeah, I’d say mid 30s Maybe. And I went to work the next day. And I had so many regular customers. I just adored them all. And we had fun. This one couple that came in a lot. Now he’s they had their favorite booth. And I talked to them about I’m going to be buying the restaurant. You know, I’m excited and, and he he said, Hey, Paula. So what’s going on with the whole restaurant deal? When’s that going to happen? And I must have got a look on my face. Yeah, Said, Paula. What’s going on? Yeah. And I told them, and a couple days later, knocking at the kitchen door was his accountant, with all the paperwork. And that man co signed a loan for me to buy the restaurant.

 

Ari: No way.

 

Paula: A customer, I was just their favorite waitress, and a year later, I got him off the loan. But I cannot express what that did for my heart. Unbelievable. And I could tell his accountant thought he was crazy. But to have faith in me and to do so. So our big joke after that, to him in his life was I’m gonna name the booth after him. That really showed me. You know, there are just, there are just some amazing, beautiful people out there. I will never forget that day. Oh, no. And that’s how I was able to purchase the restaurant.

 

Ari: Wow. Are they still around? Are they still alive?

 

Paula: Um, no, no. He was a doctor here in our area. And I know he retired and I and I believe he passed like two years ago, right? We’re all nice people here. But never forget it. The things that can you know those whispers and those hugs that can come to us? As well as the bricks. Isn’t it something?

 

Ari: It really is? Now you went through something else? I think when you were younger. I think you’re about 17 years old. You got real angry with God. How come?

 

Paula: The dear my dear aunt and uncle. My uncle Ernie and I still have their property in Centralia, Washington where, you know, I spent most of my life and I’m creating a nonprofit Animal Rescue there. But he he just was so dear to me. And he had worked 716 A week his whole life. He was a butcher. I just adored him and my aunt and all these things he was gonna do when he retired six months before retirement, a brain tumor and he passed away. Oh, I was so angry at God for for doing that I’d never I did. I almost committed suicide I almost drove off the road. But you know, it just, it taught me plan on the future. Be responsible and think ahead. But appreciate every day, because tomorrow is not guaranteed. That was a huge lesson that I learned at 17. Wow.

 

Ari: Wow. So, um, after your husband died, you ultimately you did remarry? Did you not? Yes. And then what happened with the restaurant?

 

Paula Um, after we remarried, I ran up for a few more years and then had someone interested in buying it and I made the decision to sell it and I did but it was like cutting my arm off and there’s days I still mess it. You know, just not be working as much. Yeah. And of course, I met all my husbands in my restaurant. I never went anywhere else.

 

Ari: I don’t think I asked you. Do you have any children?

 

Paula: Yes, I have three children, and three grandchildren and Hello. to two of them. I get I get to do grammie duty one day a week and this month. I’m having them a little more but yeah, i i Oh, I’m to me being a parent is the best thing in my life. To me. It’s the most precious and being a grandparent is so precious. When I was young, I couldn’t wait to be a mom. I was gonna be Mrs. Walton. I couldn’t. Yeah, well, I family’s everything. Wow.

 

Ari: Well, you know what? You know what I figured out? You know, grandkids are a parent’s revenge on their children. Oh, yeah, I have. I have. I have seven. I have seven grandchildren. And they’re they’re so precious. They really are. But the best thing is you play with them and then you give them back at the end of the day and you go home.

 

Paula: Yep. I just had my six and nine year old yesterday and we went to Target to buy some Christmas presents for Papa and mommy and daddy. And it was we’re not buying anything for you today. This is for Christmas. And they did they didn’t really go and even look at the toys. Yeah. Oh, we had fun.

 

Now you became a Reiki practitioner. With all due respect. I don’t even know what that

 

1. Oh my gosh. Well, I’d love to send you some I would.

 

Ari: What is a rain? What is Reiki?

 

Paula: And its life. You know, we are lifeforce energy. Our luminous energy field tells our DNA what to do. That’s how powerful it is. Okay. And I learned Reiki 14 years ago for love of a pet the pictures behind me, my white German Shepherd Shotzi. She was ill she had a tumor removed. She was 14. And I learned Reiki and the Reiki helped her so much. I had her two more years, but that’s why I learned it. But it’s actually you just connect with. I also call a prayer modality with source energetically you connect and energy comes through you to let’s say the client or the pat or the situation and it gives positive energy it boosts the immune system. It relieves pain. I have seen so much over the years. Several years ago, a colleague in Oregon won an award for an article they did on Reiki, you know, there was a lot of scientific studies and it shows people given Reiki and boosting their immune system. It’s It’s huge, so it helps with pain. I I’ve had So many different clients over the years and what I’ve seen, but it, it helps with pain. It helps with emotions with trauma, it actually an easy way to describe it is positive energies coming in releasing negative energies, blockages and releasing Nat, which helps the body to itself heal. I just and you can do this long distance as well it’d be goes goes beyond time and space. I mean, you can send I just a friend in New Jersey just had knee surgery, and his left knee is is in so much pain and he asked me to send them right he saw I have a few times now and he just messaged me back yesterday. How much better is nice feeling? I mean, it’s, it’s, it’s really amazing. But a lot of people think well, it’s just you know, pretty woowoo. But really, it’s very, it’s very scientifically based as well. It’s got a lot behind it. I hear so it’s really fascinating. So I’ve really specially in the early years, I did a lot of research and studied it. But then you know how it makes you feel it raises the energy in the room. And yeah, it’s really amazing. Wow.

 

Ari: So like what are you doing now? I mean, is this is this like a this Reiki? Is this like a full time thing? Are you doing other things you writing your? What are you doing with yourself these days? How do you How are you keeping busy?

 

Paula: Yeah, well, gosh, yeah. I’m doing my shows my elevating your life show.

 

That’s what kind of shows that do. What kind of

 

show podcast and it’s also on radio.

 

Ari: Oh, you have a podcast? Gee, I wonder who else has a podcast?

 

Paula: Yeah, you’re gonna be on it. I love it. We’re gonna share each other. And so I’m doing my show, I teach Reiki I do see Reiki clients. And then I have my Grammy time, grandkids. And I did just this year, co author Reiki training manual level, wanting to be beyond wellness, Reiki training. And then I may work on another book next year. But right now I’m just kind of focused on the Reiki and family and that type of things. Right?

 

Ari: So you said okay, so you just you just said you might work on another book. That means to me that you’ve already written a book?

 

Paula Well, I’m I’m working on it.

 

Yeah. No, but you but you’ve written the first book.

 

Yes, yes. Oh, why am I happy? This is the one that just got the bronze medal by the global ASO sociation, which just blew me away. And the reason I titled this, why am I so happy? Because I would get asked that working at the restaurant. Well, what are you so happy about? Your life must be perfect. No, it’s not perfect. But it’s where the direction I choose to take my thoughts. You know, be angry about this or be grateful about that. And I always had fun at the restaurant. If someone came in and they weren’t in a good mood. I could tell they were I didn’t get irritated. It was a challenge for me to put a smile on their face. How

 

Ari: I hear you. I hear you. I will tell you, I’ll tell you real quick. I feel the same way. I like to make people smile like to make people laugh. There was one morning when I was you know, you’ll as you know, I worked in the World Trade Center. And I got to the I got to the World Trade Center one morning. And there were these express elevators that went from the lobby up to 78 to the 78th floor. And these were they were massive elevators, huge huge elevators, and an elevator came down and there were a whole bunch of people there and everybody walked in. And what do you normally do when you walk into an elevator? What are most people do? They walk into the elevator and then they turn around to face the door? Right? That’s what most people do. So I let all these people go in ahead of me. All right, and then I walked in I was last one and right behind me the doors closed. But instead of turning around to face the door, I was facing all these people. And as soon as the doors closed, I said you’re probably wondering why I call this meeting that, that was the exact response that I got people just cracked up and you know what they had, at least the start of their day was really, really good. You know, because they started it with a smile. Yeah, so I hear you, I like to make people laugh. I like to make people smile. Okay, so um, so before we go, any any words of wisdom that you have that you’d like to share with my audience?

 

Paula: What I would say and this is something I say to my my Reiki students, we have, we have to two different avenues here we have in one hand, we have, what we’re striving for, what our goals are, and all the things we’re working for. And those are wonderful. And those are something to pursue. But let’s also remember to have the other hand just wide open to what may manifest what may come to us what connections we might make an open up. So basically, what I say is, have your goals and what you’re working for and what you’re doing. But also keep the door wide open to what you may not realize could be a passion for you one day, because so much is out there. And you know, every day is a new opportunity. And tomorrow, I and I have to say I adore your daily quotes that come in emails, I’m like, yes, yes. Thank you. Every day is a new beginning. And things you’re welcome can come that we did not even imagine. So stay open to those and those messages as you progress and work on what your your goals and your passions are, you know, it’s we got the left hand and the right hand. It’s like two different concepts. And, you know, just walk with both hands open. So that’s what I would say.

 

Ari: Thank you so much. Those definitely words of wisdom. It’s like, you know, you got to keep the balance. So, Paula, yes. Thanks so much for sharing your story with my audience. Good luck going forward. Enjoy the grandkids. Enjoy life. You’ve been listening to us busy bricks, and I’m your host, Gary shoma. Remember, if you feel like you’re stuck in the mud, like you’re spinning your wheels, wasting time in your career, your business or your life. If you know you’re not enjoying all the success, satisfaction and significance that you desire, then it’s time for you to book a call with me at call with ari.com and check out my whispers and bricks Academy. Until next time, listen to the whispers avoid the bricks and never ever give up on your dreams. Bye for now.

  

  

Jan Cavelle Only You Can Build The Life You Want

Summary:

Jan shares her inspiring story of being a single mom who took her small sales business from nothing to a million-pound business. She describes how she did it, the pitfalls she went through even after her business was a success, and what helped her get through. Along the way, she was able to pursue her childhood dream of being a writer. She reminds us that even if things are tough at first it’s always worth it to pursue your dreams and build the life you want.

Episode Transcription

 

Intro Plays

Ari: Welcome to his prison bricks. My name is Avi showing I’m your host I have with me today Jan Cavell very, very interesting woman. As a teenager, Jan Cavell went to a very posh UK boarding school, which groomed young ladies for marriage. Well failing to be groomed. Jan progressed to London and became a suitable secretary, which lasted about a week. With a keen desire to be independent. Jan started working her way through a succession of jobs finding secretarial work a nightmare and sales easy. She hated being employed and at the mercy of the decisions and expectations of others. So initiate a series of hustles from selling to catering. She travelled around Europe and had a miserable job as a cook, but also found some excitement and taken an old ferry boat for a test sale to see if she was see whether she wasn’t. A marriage left Jen with two small kids to support and very little experience to do so. Refusing to go out to work and leave them she started a small business telephone selling bits and pieces to interior designers operating from a shelf under the stairs of a tiny cottage. After a lot of mistakes and crazy Gamble’s it succeeded and became a multi million pound business. The designers wanted furniture but as Jan was no furniture designer, she put her sales hat on, looked what sold and developed her current ranges earning herself the honorable title of quote unquote designer. Despite awards and exciting experiences, Jen still struggle with insecurity and imposter syndrome. Once her son had left for Australia, she struggled to scale the business not having the same motivation she had with small kids to support and after several years and progressively worse health, decided to break it up and sell the only bit worth having, which was the brand. It took Jan quite a little while to crawl back out of our hole after that, but she decided she wasn’t beaten. She had always wanted to write since she was small. Jan’s first book scale for success, expert insights into growing your business is due to be released this year after winning a contract with Bloomsbury publishing. So it’s full circle, Jan’s childhood dream out of the ashes. Please help me welcome Jan Cavell. My pleasure, thank you, Jan, how are you?

 

Jan: I’m good. Thank you very much. Yes. Glad winter.

 

Ari: Coping with winter. Yes, I hear you. You’re in the UK Correct?

 

Jan: I am. Yes. And we’ve suddenly got very cold and stormy and horrible.

 

Ari: I remember. I was in I was in the UK. I was on a speaking tour in the UK and I was on my way back to New York. I get to Heathrow Airport, and it started to snow. Okay. And it snowed probably a half an inch. The entire airport shut down. No flights going, no flights coming in. I couldn’t believe this. All right, I come from New York. You know, we get three feet of snow. Two hours later, the airport’s open, you know, and here they had a half an inch of snow in the entire airport. But then, in the meantime, I didn’t have a hotel anymore. All right. I literally slept in the airport, waiting for the next morning. British Airways was not flying. So I actually ran over the other day had paper tickets back then. I ran to I had to go to another terminal. I ran to American Airlines terminal, showed my ticket and ask if I can get back to New York. And they said sure, we’ll honor it. And they put me back on a plane to New York. Unbelievable. Quite

 

Jan: right. I mean, it’s not all of UK In fairness, Scotland copes with snow perfectly well. But you know, for UK it’s it is you say one flake and everything sharp. Yeah.

 

Ari: Wow. Yes. Okay, so enough about me. Now, as you know, the name of this podcast is whispers in bricks, the whispers of those voices telling us what the right thing to do is and they represent the good in life. And the bricks represent the bad things that we go through in life. Now, there are several reasons why I asked you to be my guest on the show. After our initial conversation, I knew that there were people in my audience will go through some of the same things that you had gone through. They been hit with brick after brick much like you and they needed to hear and to know that they could get through the trials and tribulations the same way that you did. They need to know that there were whispers out there that could save them. Now your life is not typical by any stretch of the imagination. You’ve had many bricks thrown at you, as we heard from your bio posh boarding school didn’t work out for you, you got a job as a secretary, less than a week, amongst many other things that you went through. But I would say that the first major break that you have been hit with was marrying the wrong person and getting divorced while caring for two small children. Can you take us back to that time? And tell us what that what was going on then?

 

Jan: Sure. I mean, I think it was a lot to do with the conditioning from a post boarding school because of course, all my contemporaries married terribly well groomed, Mr. rights. And because I haven’t really finished in all three, well, I, you know, I didn’t really know many of them or anything else. So I didn’t marry somebody who, you know, was able to provide or anything useful in the first place. And we struggled. Actually, we lost our first child, which is a hard thing, I think, for any marriage to get through, as well, which I don’t actually normally talk about. So. So it’s an extra one. But, you know, that made things hard. We went on to have two more children. But it was tough. And I think we’ve got my two young as well. I mean, he was only slightly younger than me, I think I was 23. And he was just 21. So you know, again, that’s a lot of traps, so many people young love fall into, and it’s all going to be wonderful and of course doesn’t change.

 

Ari: 

Right? I hear you. Okay, so now you’re at the point where you have two small kids, you have to support yourself, you have to support your kids. How did you manage? What what did you do?

 

Jan: Well, first thing I did, which I was very lucky about, because they were much more flexible in those days. But as I went along to the income support people, what people have income support over here. So Social Security, income support, okay? Yeah, it’s a branch for Social Security’s social social support life. Okay. Government support anyway. And I went, look, you know, that’s my bank balances, it’s not a pretty picture. You know, I’ve got these two kids, and I could stay here, you know, on on your books to be supported forever. You know, but alternatively, I don’t want to do that, that’s not good for you. How about giving me a bit of support while I get a business together and get myself going? And so on whether they’d be allowed to know, but I was lucky, I hit somebody with a bit of nice. And they said, Yes, okay, we’ll go along with that theory. You know, we’ll give it a try and see how it goes. So I got a bit of support a tiny bit of support every week, from the government. And that was enough to get some better food and keep going. And also, it bought me I was determined, as you say, to start selling things. And so every Friday, when I cashed this charge, I would buy a trade directory or a yellow pages, phone directory, and get leads, and then I would jump on the phone and sell it sell to my new lot of people in North London, or whichever book I got.

 

Ari: What What year was this?

 

Jan: That’s a good question. I would have been, that would have been in sort of middle of the 80’s.

 

Middle, the 80s. Okay, now I’m trying to I’m trying to, you know, place it so that we, we understand, you know, what, you know, we can better understand what you were going through, like in other words, you didn’t have Google and you didn’t have

 

I didn’t have a computer, it was actually it was would have been painful. Very entropy agents can manage my children. But now I literally had a fax phone and account index box and the slowly growing pile of trade directories.

 

Ari: Right. Okay. Go on.

 

Jan: So yeah, I mean, it was all about telephone selling, which is your right to sell had had sales experience, because sales is always one of those jobs that if you’re prepared to work on commission, or just turn the hand for a few weeks, you can usually get experience. So I had managed to choke up quite a lot of sales experience. And I was very, very determined. I didn’t want to go out to work. I didn’t want to put children in the hands of somebody else, you know, child post or split up never very happy children. And, you know, it was desperately important for me if I stayed at home and could spend time with them. They were only three and eight, maybe three or three and so, so very young still. You know, so so it’s really important. I was around to me, and that meant making this thing work, but it was a touch and go for a long time. It really was.

 

Ari: How did your kids fare in school? Were they okay? The good students?

 

Jan: They got they got College to some extent, you know, when I was living out in the country, it was very archaic, really in its views, and I remember going to see one of the head mistresses and saying, you know, look, this is really on, you know, I don’t I’m not very happy about this. But she suggests she said, you know, well, I’ve spoken to feel the muscles and said, you know, for sure, a single mother, and you’ve got to understand we’ve never had one of those before.

 

Ari: Like, like, they just dropped you out of Mars or something? We Yeah.

 

Wow. I know. So, you know, I don’t think that’s necessarily helped for children very much.

 

But the kids managed, okay.

 

Jan: They’ve grown up smashing. You know, they’ve had a few difficult years, to put it mildly, both in different ways. But yeah, Jane, great. Banks got their own lives and you know, doing incredibly well, that those marriage and happy everything one would want once. Well, that’s great.

 

Ari: I’m just curious, you said, obviously, you’ve you’ve gone through some serious situations here. And you said, you managed to build this business to a multi million pound business. I mean, that is very, very impressive. But it’s like, what, what was the business? Was it just selling odds and ends? Was it? Was it? I mean, I don’t know I can.

 

Jan: I don’t blame you? I didn’t know much either. Yeah, it started it really. I thought, you know, my background in sales told me that repeat orders for kind of be a good idea. So some sort of service to on a PHP basis was going to be the way forward. I lived living in the country, we had a lot of costume. So you know, I thought, right, okay, be a middleman between people who make things and designers and famous want stuff made. And you know, I’ll want people to make it. Which was was fine. For a while, it took a little bit of packaging, because of course, when you’re doing sales, it’s one thing to sell this fantastic product, which has so many benefits. But do you want anything? It’s a far harder concept to to package. But But gradually, yeah, got going. And so much so that it’s very, very, very slowly because of limited funds and limited ability. I built it so that the actual manufacturing side came in as well. We started finishing bits and pieces ourselves in a tiny farm building. And then a few years later, when an opportunity arose, because the guy who in the business that I was buying most furniture from at that stage decided to shut up shop overnight. I struck a deal to buy him out, which was I have to say more out of panic. I had thank you so much. It was something I’d like to do one day, but it was really you know what I mean? I’m not going to have any furniture Monday morning. I can’t, I can’t I couldn’t have furniture Monday morning. So so we struck a deal within an hour. You know, off I went. And so I had these two tiny farm buildings with small amounts of people working in them. And quotes from that, because you know, all of a sudden, you were responsible for people and had to do that side of things seriously, as well as your own children.

 

Ari: Wow. Wow, that’s amazing. Let me ask you this. Did you ever get to a point so low in your life, when you said to this, you know, I can’t do this anymore? It’s too hard. I’m just gonna give up on my dreams. You know, I’m done. Right? Did you ever get to that point? And if you did, how did you overcome? How did you come out of that?

 

Jan: It’s interesting, isn’t it? Because I think it’s the very entrepreneurial thing that when things are tough, we are perhaps so stop. Wage put it, but so determined, we keep going. And then when you get to a goal or a pinnacle, you lose it because you haven’t got that challenge. You haven’t got the adrenaline to keep going and it becomes what am I doing? Who am I you know, what’s going on here? So it’s always I find it harder. You know, once the kids were okay, and the business was up and running, then suddenly I thought, you know, what am I doing? And it’s partly exhaustion. I think too, you just get so burnt out by that sort of pressure. It doesn’t feel like it at the time. But you do it takes its toll. So we’re a couple of times I think in the middle when I just needed a rest you know, I do bring up two kids on their own is is fairly challenging and growing a business to whatever we had about 40 people at the time. It’s not a challenge. So I was I was born and then later on again when I lost my way as as you were describing when the kids left home, that was tough. You wondered what the point was, you know, everything I’d done every motivation I’d had was was focused on keeping going for them. And you know, so they’ve gone now what is it worth keeping going for? Yeah, tough.

 

Ari: Huh? Wow. Well, so what helped you turn it around? Like what? Let me ask you this. What are you doing now?

 

Jan: Watching? Oh, yeah, I mean, I think that that was one of the things that kept me going. I’d started to write articles during the last few years when I was in business and loved it, as you rightly said, I wanted to do a child. And it became my stress reliever to write articles for this magazine. And when I stopped and retardance pull the covers over my head, thought, you know, I’ve had an awful fall with it took me about a week and I thought, What am I writing? You know, so I wrote to my editor, and I said, I’m going to do this anymore. I can’t write, he wrote back, and he said, Why exactly, it looks bright. So I thought, oh, maybe it’s got a point, I really didn’t see it. I just thought, you know, my usefulness is over. But but with his encouragement, he got me writing more articles, and then becomes a thing, actually, you know, I’ve got 20 odd years of experience lots of mistakes, but you know, also work some things along the way, I learned a lot from other people, maybe actually, I can be of some use. And I got involved with a lot of campaigns along the way to encourage entrepreneurship. I was very honored to be picked as one of the first 50 women to represent the UK Government in me, you when we were in the EU, of course, that you know, to promote entrepreneurship, which was amazing, and to liaise with other countries to score as business groups in, etc, etc. And I’d become this big champion of entrepreneurship, because I’m a real believer in it. And so, you know, again, I thought that’s actually, you know, put that passion together with my writing, I could still be a useful individual.

 

Ari: It’s it first of all, it sounds very exciting, you know, to be one of 50, you know, to represent the UK that said, to me, sounds, you know, dealing with, you know, other countries other people’s I mean, that must have been very, very exciting. It must have been, it must have been, must have been, like, invigorating.

 

Jan: It was, it was an extraordinary experience, you know, I got to go to the European Parliament is solid, you just wouldn’t get to go to otherwise. And, you know, this was me from, you know, my cell phone to the stairs. You know, it was bizarre. Oh, my. But on our end, and yeah, and I learned some, you know, there were a few businesses that got set up later on, while from another campaign, we ran locally, and, you know, yeah, okay. This is something good and productive.

 

Ari: If let me ask you this. Who would you say? What person in your life would you say had the most influence on your life? And why?

 

Jan: You know, I have tried to come up with the sort of answer that you might expect on this question. And the honest truth is for early American western southmost influence on my life, I was my father was passionate by Western sun. I’m a big fan of John Wayne. Gary’s Jimmy Stewart. Gary Cooper is what I’m trying to say. And all that loss and the whole principle as a child, very influential, very easily influenced as we are as kids, this whole concept of standing up for the little man and standing up for what’s right, you know, and going against the grain, you know, again, going back to me being stubborn, I think, it just really appealed. And, and it’s sort of set in habits of, you know, I want to try and do the right thing and I want to do my own thing in life, you know, so I got addicted to the Oregon Trail and all of that.

 

Ari: The Oregon Trail. That was that was a game wasn’t I was a computer game.

 

Jan: I probably was in the end, this was going back to your original book and then story,

 

but I remember it because when when I was when I was, you know, when I had little kids when my kids were little. So there was this game. It was a computer game. One of the early computing is called the Oregon trails. And it was you had to it took you from the East Coast to the West Coast. And you know, you had to survive and you know, you have to kill your own meat. Do you know Berra it’s just very exciting. And it was an interesting game of you know, was teaching survival, you know? You know how to survive in the, in the West and it was just it was it was an interesting game. That’s. So that’s what so that’s what had the influence on you. That’s great. Okay, you know, we’ll have to write to John Wayne’s heirs and tell him that, you know, you know what your father did?

 

Well, yeah, I think there’s more to films than him in person. But But yeah, that whole concept of the pioneers, you know, it’s such an amazing victory of for mankind that they could push forward and win against the odds. It’s, it’s incredibly It’s brave.

 

Ari: Absolutely. Absolutely. So let me ask you this. Is there anything else that you’d like to share with my audience? Before we go words of advice or words of wisdom?

 

Jan: I think given what you know, we’ve been talking about, I would say, two things really, that you’ve always got choices, if you want something badly enough, you know, I mean, don’t go crazy and chalk up your day job. But I can’t think what I’m talking about there. But, you know, keep on your day job while you can. But follow your dream, too. You can give up a day job. create the life you want. And only you can do that. And you know, if it means bit of a fight, it’s worth doing. You know, life’s too short. Do what you love. Wow.

 

Ari: That’s true. Very, very, very, very, very true words of wisdom, for sure. For sure. Now, if people want to get a hold of you, how can they do that? If you’re looking for you know, do you have a website? Do you have an email address? Yeah, what’s what’s the best way to contact you social media?

 

All of those things I’m prolifically on social media, especially Twitter and LinkedIn, but they can email me directly on Charmat chan comm failed or co.uk. And the same goes for website, which is also junk. files.co.uk. And I’ve heard it from anybody listening.

 

Jan: Okay, great. So let’s just go over that again. Jan Cavalli BJNCAVE double LP right.co.uk www.Jancavell.com.ukThat’s, that’s great. And you’re on social media. Jan Cavell. That’s wonderful. 

 

Ari: Okay. Jan, listen. Thanks so much for sharing your story with my audience. I’m sure you’ve touched the hearts of many people, my audience are plenty of people going through or or you know, going through what you have already gone through, and they needed to hear that they can get out of it the same way that you get out of it. Good luck going forward. Good luck with your writing. We hope to hear some great things coming from you. And thanks so much you be listening to us. on Brexit. I’m your host Gary Schoenberg. Remember, if you feel like you’re stuck in the mud, like you’re spinning your wheels, wasting time, your career, your business your life. If you know you’re not enjoying all the success, satisfaction and significance that you desire, then it’s time for you to book a call with me at call with ari.com and check out my whispers and bricks Academy. Until next time, listen to the whispers avoid the bricks and never ever give up on your dreams. Bye for now.

  Caren Bright You Can Overcome Anything!

Summary:

Caren Bright bravely shares her incredible story. As a child, she suffered from abuse, poverty, and neglect from her mother. Finally, Caren became homeless as a teenager and single mother herself. She describes how she went and climbed out of poverty to start her profit and coaching program to help women achieve their dreams. It is a fantastic story that reminds us that we can overcome any brick thrown at us!

Episode Transcription

 

Intro Plays

Ari: Welcome to Whispers and Bricks. My name is Ari Schonbrun. I’m your host. I have with me today Caren bright. This is a woman who I have been so excited about hosting on my show. She’s got an incredible, incredible story a

little bit about her background. Caren bright is an author, speaker, executive life slash trauma coach and nonprofit consultant, who’s on a mission to empower high performing women in reaching greater levels of performance. After overcoming poverty and past trauma herself. Caren started pamper Lake Highlands, now called Bright Futures for women and children, a highly successful nonprofit that AIDS women and children in breaking the cycle of poverty. It was her work at Bright Futures for women and children, also known as BF for WC, that served as the catalyst for wanting to empower high performing women who have experienced trauma in reaching greater levels of performance. She recognized that the principles she was using in her life and teaching when in poverty could be used by any woman wanting to do more and achieve more, which is when Bright Futures was born. Please help me welcome Caren bright. Caren, how, how are you? Thank you so much for having me on. I’m doing really well. That’s great. You’re looking good, you’re looking to work.

 

So

 

as you know, the name of this podcast is whispers in bricks, the whispers of those voices telling us what the right thing to do is and represent the good in life. And the bricks represent the bad things that we go through in life. And let’s be real, everybody has some bricks thrown at them at some point in time or another. Some are bigger bricks, some are smaller bricks, some are more bricks, less bricks, but that’s part of life. And we just have to deal with it. Now the reason I asked you to be on the show as because after I spoke to you, and you told me your story, I knew that there were people in my audience who are going through some of the things same things that you were going through, they had been hit with brick after brick, much like what you have gone through and they needed to hear and to know that they could get through the trials and tribulations, the same way that you did. They needed to know that there were whispers out there that could save them. Now, before we begin, let me ask you this. When you were a little girl, you had hopes and dreams, what were they?

 

Caren: As a little girl, I desired to be a speaker and an author and a missionary that traveled the world. Wow. Okay, we’re gonna put them in the back of our minds, because we’re going to come back to that a little bit later. Because we’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna talk about your life, you had many bricks thrown at you from being fourth generation poverty. You know, it’s so funny to say that because you know, people say, Oh, I’m third generation American. Seventh Generation is so dumb. Nobody ever said to me, Oh, I’m fourth generation poverty. But you’re a brave woman. And you came up and you stood up and you told us you told me what your life was all about. Not my hat’s off to you. My audience is going to love this. But So you went from fourth generation poverty to a mother who was abused to to a mother who was abused and then became abusive. A mother was married and divorced a times you became homeless, you are a single parent, and the list goes on. Now, can you take us back to the early troublesome years? And tell us a little bit about your your early story?

 

Ari: Can we there’s a part in there that I’m not abusive, and I wasn’t married and your mom was? 

 

Caren: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clear. No, not you. You weren’t abusive. You had a mother who was abusive. Yes. Who was hurt. You had a mother who was abused and in turn was abusive to you? Yes. Not you know, you. You we love. We love. Okay, so good. So yeah, I again, like you said, fourth generation poverty and my mother had experienced a lot of abuse as a child specifically from her father. And then I think just that abuse kind of distorted her thought process and the way she developed she then had mental illnesses and then raised a bunch of children without the healing.

 

She was constantly seeking right looking for someone to I think, heal her and fix her. So that led to Marriage Divorce.

 

Marriage Divorce because she wasn’t well enough to hold a marriage, right? So she just kept thinking, Oh, it was not that man. He just couldn’t fix me. I need to search for another one. And that led to eight marriages and divorces. Wow. Wow. Okay, so what happened? What’s your story? Okay, so with her illnesses, I was raised in an environment that was very toxic and abusive. And the message was constantly Like, who do you think you are? And my reply was always to be I’m nobody. So that message was, I mean, the language as early as I could talk, I remember repeating back, I’m nobody at such a young age. And my first memory of life was her drowning me in a bathtub, because I overflowed the toilets. And in this way, that she took time to watch the bathtub fill Like, it wasn’t like the bathroom was already filled with water, like she had to take time to turn the water on, let it fill up and then put me in. And I think I could just imagine or can’t imagine the amount of rage that was inside her that it wouldn’t subside over the bathtub filling.

 

Ari: How old were you? I was three. And it’s my first conscious memory in life. Oh, my God. So did she pull you out? Did you come ahead?

 

Caren:Yes, great question. So I just remember feeling and experiencing all of it. I remember gasping for air and then remembering nothing until age five. I hear that I passed out and she had called Social Services on ourselves. And I went into foster care. And then they gave me back to her in about a year that she hadn’t healed her brain. So I was put back into the same environment of broken and abusive woman. And so that just kept happening. And then we were very transient. So she moved 31 times and of course of about 10 years, 31 times 31 times. So she was in poverty. So what she would do is she would get a new apartment, it wasn’t like credit scores like it is now right? You find a place that was renting. She’d move in with the maybe deposit not and then they would take 90 days to evict you when you didn’t pay. So she’d move in and not pay, get evicted. Move to another place. And so we just hopped all over Cleveland, Ohio. 

 

Ari:Yeah. Wow. Wow.

 

All right, what happened next? How long? Yeah, last? 

 

Caren: So I think from moving around so much. I wasn’t really able to gather education. Right. I’d failed first. Kindergarten. I’m sorry. And then I failed my lottery twice. Oh, hold on. Hold on. You failed. Kindergarten. I fail. I Caren. Yeah. How do you fail kindergarten? What you didn’t get it? fingerpainting. You You got an F and fingerpainting.

 

We I just missed so much school, I think and I just I didn’t know the things that you needed to get to first grade. Right? Thank god. Okay. social and emotional development that you need wasn’t there. And so I was, you know, held back then. And then I that I was always playing catch up. I was always behind with failing grades. Because the message was always that I was a failure. Right.

 

And I wanted to do better. I just didn’t know how to make my brain do better. So then I had failed ninth grade twice. And when I dropped out of high school at a sixth grade reading comprehension

 

and was put out of the house and sent into a world with like nothing in my toolbox. Right. I I was told I was not worth anything. I was unlovable, and I was a failure. And those messages was all I had to go out into the world with.

 

Ari So yeah, I found some very last places on that. And you’re so you’re about 17 when this is going on. Mm hmm. Yeah, God 17 You’re you’re you’re thrown out of high school. Alright, sixth grade level reading comprehension. Mom shirt. Mom throws you out of the house.

 

Did you survive? 

 

Caren: Yeah. So I was living couch to couch.

 

 And I ran into some people who said that they could take care of me. And then I was kind of led into trafficking for about a year from 17 to 18.

 

It wasn’t like trafficking with drugs is trafficking with trafficking with like, you know, sometimes some people traffic people, they get them on drugs and they kidnap them for this. It was one of the we’ll take care of you and we have a way out for you and you just come work for us and we will help you so that way you can see

 

survive. And so I think, you know, after being trafficked for about a year, then from 18 to 19, I chose a life of prostitution. Because that was my worth, right? Like I was told as a failure, I had no skills. And so then I, of course, the next course would be like, of course, I stay on this course. And I did that until age 19.

 

But it never sat well, with me, it was so like, horrible. And it was still I was still in poverty, I still never knew where my next meal was coming from, because it take all my money. And as I was just lost in this world of like, I wanted more. But I didn’t have the word self esteem, tools, education, family or support, to be able to get more. But I did have an internal dialogue that said, get out and keep seeking.

 

Ari: And it was at that point in time, so these were the bricks that you are getting hit with all over the place. And then you had that little whisper that said, No, my dreams are to be a speaker to be an author.

 

And it just permeated within you. And then yeah, and what happened next was,

 

Caren: okay, I’m homeless, I don’t have any money, I don’t have any skills. I don’t have a high school diploma, I don’t have a vehicle, I don’t have a house.

 

I don’t have a family. And so I’m just kind of hopping from couch to couch. And in that place, I became like a servant to the people who allow me to stay on their couch, I would cook for them and clean for them and watch their children not in an affluent area, we are all impoverished, like they’re living in their section eight housing and their food stamps. So it’s all just transient in a broken place. And then I find out, I’m pregnant. And so I want so much more. I don’t know how to get it. I remember living in a house with they were

 

addicted to crack, and it was abusive in that house. And I was watching their five children, and the wife stabbed her husband in front of my now little baby who’s 11 months old. I remember saying like, okay, like, I left that life. And I’m in this life of just living in these with these people who are addicted to drugs, because they’ll open their couch, because then they can do their drugs while I watch their kids. So but I had to protect my little one from seeing the things that I saw as I grew up, and that was this abuse and dysfunction. And so I went to a homeless shelter,

 

and lived, you know, in a homeless shelter for a while. And then in my car. And then I got $425 A month and a welfare check. And some food stamps. So I found a house in these Cleveland, that was $425 a month. And so my whole welfare check was there, I don’t have a car, and I have these food stamps. But I still have utilities and diapers and things to pay and need bus passes. So I sell most of the food stamps. So we live off basically ramen noodles, and what’s called Little hugs, they’re those little fake drinks in a barrel.

 

It pay the lights and to have diapers for my child, still just longing for something more, but not knowing how I didn’t have the tools to get more but I kept seeking. I was a master at like government assistance, right? Like, I knew where to go to get shoes for Christmas and coats for the kids. And oftentimes I didn’t have socks, but sometimes you would have socks, presence, feminine hygiene products formula for the kids because I’d also have to sell my WIC in order to pay for diapers, it was just this constant like borrow from this to that. I remember standing outside of the gas station one time

 

there was a homeless man. And there’s me and I have my little boy in tow. And there’s a man coming out of the gas station, I just looked in the payphone, change return to see if there were any quarters and there weren’t. And as I looked up, the homeless man intersects the man that’s coming out. And the man opens his wallet and gives them $3. And I remember being so mad, like I missed the opportunity for $3 because $3 But I would be able to have enough ramen noodles and little hug drinks because about 10 cents apiece to feed my child for a few days. And that’s just kind of how we how we lived skills and I wanted more but they had this government program that said I will train you to be able to work a job as a cashier and customer service. So that was like my first step out. I thought, right but when I got that job, it removed a lot of my benefits. So it was like I was making, you know, $8 an hour, but I was losing the benefits that I received a month and I didn’t have data

 

care like, was always such a struggle like you want out of poverty. But the system is designed for learn helplessness or to keep you in poverty, because it’s designed, I think, from the top up, or from the top down rather from the bottom up, right? Someone who really experienced and understands the struggles of poverty and what it would actually take for a person to get out of it.

 

So what do I do? I run to a man, right? Oh, wait a minute, maybe a man convicts me. But I run to a man with the dialogue of my brokenness. So I only pick broken, right, two broken people broken together. I was used to being abused. Of course, I found an abuser. But he’d watched my kid. And then I had another child with him. And now to to all to get three all together three children all together, but two with him, and then this little boy that I got with him with. And I was like, he didn’t work. But he would stay home and watch my son while I worked. And so then that covered kind of the childcare issue. It was still very dysfunctional, but you kind of do what you have to do to survive. And I just kept seeking, and I took, like, got my GED. And then there was like, Oh, now I can actually, you know, work $8 an hour, learn the customer service job. And then they moved us out to Texas, because there was a job of Marriott. And they said, Hey, he was like getting a door to door salesman job, and I got a job at Marriott. And they said, you can come from Texas from Cleveland. And so that kind of was like the catalyst to the life that I lived. It was getting out of the environment and getting into something new. I moved to this really interesting neighborhood. I have two children at the time that it was all fluence and educated and impoverished. And the kids all went to the same school districts together. And my kids are great. And they liked my kids, their kids like my kids. So then they started inviting us into their home. So I got to see a window of like a life that I hadn’t experienced. They were educated, they were setting goals, they were part of the kids education system. And then they started using their network to connect me to healing. So one person was like, Hey, I have a forensic psychiatrist who would give you free counseling. And then another was like, I know, like, I’m going to pay for you to go to get to college to get more post secondary education training. So all these people began to rally around us and teach me the things that I didn’t know. And then there’s something interesting about a person who’s experienced trauma and poverty. They’re constantly scanning the room. And so what my brain would do was just, like, assess, what are they doing different. And I would just pull in what I observed, oh, they set goals, they didn’t know that they were teaching and goal setting. But I was learning how to set goals and create vision and manage my time well, and how to parent better. And so as I was around them, I gathered all these things that I didn’t have in my toolbox, and began to apply them to my own life and in my own children in my own family.

 

So then I keep going to school keep like growing, I’m getting straight A’s. I remember failing forever. And on my GED, I placed 99 percentile in math and science, and 89 percentile in English and writing. Like it was the first time that I was told I was smart. Like that. I’m told I was smart. When always told I was dumb. I just needed a little bit, just a little bit of fuel to get me to actually step into smartness. I think the beautiful thing with us as people is like, we do not know the power that we have within us to be able to empower other people. These people have no clue the the seeds that they were planting, they were just being kind. They were just opening the door. And they were just sharing love and kindness with us in through that it allowed a place of healing. And so the power of people is just magnificent. Wow. So about when did you finally like get above water? Mm hmm. So after I’d say,

 

you know, eight years of therapy at that time, and all the education and then I’m at a place where I was like, I was working as a waitress and Highland Park. It’s this place in Dallas, and I was making enough money to pay the bills. And I began to have this stirring in me that said, Hey, I had the secrets to break the cycle of poverty. Like I’m still in school. No, I’m seeking my purpose. I’m writing my first book. And I was like, I felt led I feel you know, some people call it the universe. Some people thought I feel it’s God, like I felt led to drive to use my experiences to help empower others. And so I started the nonprofit I just created this org that was like, hey, a big barrier for families and poverty is they don’t have childcare and a big barrier for children is they go in not

 

Ready for Kindergarten. If you’re not ready, then you you’ve entered, not ready and you leave not ready, right. And if we can provide the childcare, and really rally around the mothers and give them the education, the support the counseling, the things that they really need, instead of creating a place of learn helplessness, we can create a place of empowerment. And so all the years of climb out of poverty, it probably took me 15 years to climb out of that cycle of poverty, I and all the years of counseling, I kind of formulated into this recipe for poverty intervention. And so I had started the organization about seven years ago. And it was great, I was providing these great programs to the supportive community and other orgs that I knew they were missing something like, we can give them the content, but they’re missing these really important life skills. And so I created a curriculum that is like, how to vision for your life, how to set goals, how to properly manage your time, how to overcome obstacles, like teaching them the skills, because in poverty, those bricks or in life, those bricks are going to keep getting thrown at you. But if you could look at the brick as not a barrier, but just an obstacle, you can set an actual tangible goal around it. And so I began to teach about what goal setting really was and what it was like to Yeah, you want to be a doctor. And that sounds sweet. But what can you do to get a taste of it, right? Oh, you can get trained, and I’m full of autonomy, right, and then get a little bit of income that got you out of poverty, and then keep climbing the ladder to set bigger goals and more inspiring goals. So we did your purpose. And then I became a life coach and conflict management specialist. And so I use those skills like people are struggling with, like learning how to communicate properly and effectively with others. And if they could learn how to properly communicate, then collaboration happens, right. And when we rise together, we elevate each other right with collaboration, as a nothing was ever created on its own. You ever thought, but that thought can’t happen. I think if you already like with your with your podcast, you had experienced your experience. And it spurred something in you, that like led you to create this podcast. And in the podcast, you had the person who made the mic, right? You had the person who set the inner the internet up, you have all of your people who come and join alongside you. So your vision and our visions, they become ours, that they’re only activated when we properly collaborate with others. And so when I began to teach that, and it’s called Bright Futures, I said, I don’t like raising money, like I was great at creating the work. But if I was fully living in my bright future, what would I do? I would empower more leaders. Because if we can empower more leaders to do what they’re called to do, and their purpose, and help them get over their traumas of the past, then they can fully stand and the highest levels of leadership. And so yeah, that’s what I’m currently doing now is like, I create an exit plan from the org to empower more leaders. That is so amazing. I have it’s just, I There are probably millions of people out there who are probably were in your boat, and they’re probably sitting there wondering, how do I get how do I break the cycle? How do I break the cycle? And you’ve got, you’ve got the you’ve got the answer. Alright, and, you know, you should be, you know, you should be doing this all the time, you’ve got to get your message out. It’s very important. I mean, if you if you know how to do this, okay, you really, you know, how many people are stuck with a, you know, where they want to get out, but they just don’t know how, alright, and and it was, it was amazing when we finished the podcast, so I’m going to ask you to give your contact info, your email info, etc, and so forth. So but you also wrote a book, correct? And what’s what’s the name of that book? What’s that all about? So the name of the book is called I’ve written a few but the name of the first book is 50 dates at the board. And so for me 50 dates of the Lord. Wait for the Lord. Oh 50 Dads with the Lord. Yeah, did you? Did you have you had 50 dates with with God 100%. In that is what I found my purpose. Like, I had done all the education, right, I had gathered all these things and these skills, I have these great people that rallied around me, but I still missing something I was still seeking for more. And that’s when I began like my spiritual journey. And in that spiritual journey, I feel like really standing and asking the big questions of like, why do people suffer and why do you know like, I was a child, I experienced so much abuse and neglect and abandonment, like all these things, and and I wasn’t the only one like, why do we experience this and and in this journey, I was able to find like healing that I couldn’t find them there.

 

Right. It’s my faith journey. And in that is when I feel I was really led to my purpose and starting the organization

 

Ari:Wow, that’s that’s just,

 

that’s just so amazing. Yeah. Wow. So let me ask you this. And this is gonna be a tough question. I know it but who would you say in your life had the most the most effect on your life? And why? 

 

Caren:It’s two people, two people. Yeah. Dr. Tom, he was the first therapist that I went to. And he, like I said, he’s passed away in the last few years. But he was a forensic psychologist, and he specialized in FBI profiling, and behavior analysis. Wow, he had a pro bono group, like, here’s this affluent, he charges 250 an hour. And he provided this pro bono group. And in that he was able to help rewire the brain. And then the second person is the therapist that I went to next, Audrey’s timely, and she like, she was a woman. And I’ve been so wounded by the mother wound and I felt so like oppressed, around, like, sunken around women. And she just joined me on my journey. And like, embrace me, I remember just supporting me as a woman. And we walked together for three years. And I found so much healing from both of them to be able then to be empowered to be who I am now. I could never have done it without those therapists and coaches. Wow. So let me let me just ask you one question. So what did I ask you earlier? But did you ever get to a point in your life, like so low, and you’ve been really low, but so low to the point where you said, You know what? I give up? I know, I had my dreams. But you know what? I can’t do it. It’s too hard. I’m giving up. Did you ever reach that point? If you did? Okay. How did you break out of that? How did you How did you know? How did your mind say? No, I’m not gonna do this is not me. The literally my first attempt at suicide is 810 10 years old. I couldn’t imagine like, my daughter is 15. And I remember when she turned 10, thinking, like, who thinks of that it’s such an age, right? And so I always had this feeling of like, I didn’t deserve live life was always going to be bad. Age 10, age 13, age 16, or attempted suicides. But then I had the kid so I had to hold things together, right. But June 26 2013, that’s actually when I began the book was the day I had a plan to end my life. I was like, I’d done all these things to fix myself. The GED, the E is like all these things, these programs counseling, but I still had this emptiness and this brokenness inside me. I was crying all the time. Like, I remember, my kids would knock on the bathroom door and say, Mom, come out of the bathroom. We’ve been crying for hours, like they were just in this home with his mother that was just so depressed. And that was when I did my call out to God, I was like, Hey, I can’t do this on my own. I’ve done everything I can, in my own power to be better. And I’m still so broken. And that’s when I felt like that journey was like, follow me. Take this next journey on your spirituality and faith. And that is what led me my purpose. Wow. Wow. I wasn’t expecting that. 

 

Ari: Wow. You know, you are an inspiration. You’re an inspiration to me.

I mean, it’s just I, you know, I look at that, I go, wow, you know, if you can do all that, oh, my god, anybody can do anything. That’s it’s just

something so important there. Like anyone can do anything. Our limited beliefs, because of our past traumas and our coping mechanisms and our defense mechanisms. There are bricks, right. And sometimes those bricks they stack so high, but I think like what you say like listen to the whisper, I It’s this road to contentment that we’re seeking, right? And instead of running and medicating from the discontentment and the pain, if we face it, and we allow ourselves to move the bricks one at a time, we become so strong and happiness, lifting each brick away from the wall and become so strong that we overcome it. And so I think it’s like letting yourself truly believe that no matter what you’ve been through, you have a purpose. You have a special place in this world. And you can you can get there if you allow the voice within or behind you and around you to keep empowering you to get to a bigger place the whispers just keep listening to the whispers Oh my god. Oh my god. All right, is is my last tough question for you. Is there anything that you’d like to share with my audience before

 

We go words of advice, words of wisdom, something that can help people 100% Its discontentment is a gift and allow discontentment in the unrest and the uncomfortable instead of running and instead of medicating, face it and allow it to do its job of discontentment as a compass. And it’s like, if you allow discontentment to lead you, it will lead you to the road of contentment. It will charge you to seek the healing that you need and to do the work to find your full purpose. Wow. Wow, truly words of wisdom truly.

 

Ari: So Caren, if people want to get a hold of you, what’s the best way to do that? Social media emails? Give me Give it all. So definitely Instagram it’s where I’m forming my platform right now. And my instagram handle is at ca ra n Caren with a C underscore bright b r i g h t. Caren underscore bright. And my websites which is

 

Caren: www.BrightFutures.comRight futures CB calm now, is it a CCO is your real name is your real your last name really bright? It is really bright.

 

There. It is called Bright Futures right? It’s bright futures coaching and training. So I am a life and trauma coach. It’s what I do for a living. And so it’s so cool that I’m allowed to have this awesome last name of bright and have a company named around it which is so powerful and who I am in life, which is helping people reach their bright futures. That’s amazing. That’s amazing. Okay, so bright. futures.com Is that what it is? Bright Futures. cb.com cb Caren brights Yeah, the best way is Instagram which Instagram. Okay, everybody, right? Caren underscore bright on Instagram. So if anybody needs any help if you need some words of advice, words of wisdom, Caren is the person to go to she is your go to woman. She specializes in helping women, correct? Yes. But also high performing women high performing women. But she’ll talk to anybody. Basically, she’s always there to lend a helping hand. Caren, thanks so much for sharing your story with my audience. I’m sure that you’ve touched the hearts of many of my audience. Good luck going forward. Keep up the good work. 

 

Ari: You’ve been listening to WhispersandBricks, and I’m your host, Ari Schonbrun Remember, if you feel like you’re stuck in the mud, like you’re spinning your wheels, wasting your time and your career, your business or your life. If you know you’re not enjoying all the success, satisfaction and significance that you desire. Then it’s time for you to book a call with me at call with ari.com Check out my whispers and bricks Coaching Academy. And until next time, listen to the whispers avoid the bricks and never ever give up on your dreams. Bye for now.