Lindsay Jewell Life is a rollcoaster the early years
by Ari Schonbrun
Lindsay Jewell Life is a rollcoaster the early years
Summary:
Lindsay Jewell has faced many bricks in her life she shares her journey with us. Her bravey in sharing her story is truly amazing. Reminding us that no matter how many bricks life throws at us we can overcome them. Part 1 is the early years. Lindsay faced her first brick at the age of 6 when she was molested. That caused her to battle depression and drug abuse as a teenager. She got married, graduated from college, was single mom all while struggling with a drug addiction that kept rearing it’s ugly head and causing problems in her life. We hope her story helps people who facing these issues or knows someone who is.
Welcome to whispers and bricks. My name is Ari Schonbrun, I’m your host. Today I have as my guest, Lindsay jewel. Now normally when I do the show, when I open the show, I normally read a bio of my guests give you a little bit of flavor of what the guest is all about. And then I welcome them to the show. In this particular case, Lindsey has been through so much that there was just no way to put it into a short bio was impossible. So I said, You know what, I’m going to skip the bio, and wait to go straight to welcoming Lindsay into the show. And in her own words, I’m gonna let her basically tell you her story. And this is going to be I mean, you know, fasten your seat belts, this is going to be a wild ride. So without further ado, please help me welcome LindsayLindsay jewel. Hi, Lindsay, how are you?
Lindsay: I’m great. How are you?
Ari: I am wonderful. And now that you’re here, I’m even better. Okay, so, as you just heard, all right, well, I’m gonna let you do the talking because this is all about you. And I think if it were me, people wouldn’t believe me. But alright, so you know, let’s start. I mean, and the bricks started coming to you when you were all been six years old? Correct? Correct. All right. Tell us about let’s go through from the from age six to age 13. How’s that?
Lindsay: Yes, that is fine. So at age six, unfortunately had a event I was a victim of child molestation. So were some other boys and my brother. The guy was a neighbor of ours. And so when we when my parents went around, you know, we we played and this guy was also part of that boy scout. I don’t know if everybody’s heard about that boy scout stuff that was going on where there was a bunch of molestations going on. So this is back in the 80s. And you know, there are a lot of people have been sexually abused as children, a lot of them went underreported. Ours RS did not. Eventually what happened was one of the other little boys started showing signs or something, and his father knew something was wrong. And eventually he, he told what was going on. So hence, what started the investigation. So I was in kindergarten at the time. And you know, during this time, of course, I didn’t say what was going on, this man had threatened to kill my parents, if I told anybody what he did, let alone know the fact of what he was doing at age six. I mean, it’s just absolutely horrendous. So in kindergarten all sudden get pulled out of class, and there are two, which obviously now I know, are detectives. Back then I just thought police officers and you want to talk about scared and guilt are just all these feelings. You’re not supposed to feel it sticks go on inside of you. And these two detectives were asking very, very explicit questions about this man. And if he had done this, talk about private parts and stuff till this day. I’m very, it’s very hard for me to say sexual words like that, I guess, probably from that trauma.
Ari: Let me ask you something. When you were taken out, and you were with the detectives, were your parents there?
LindsayNo, no,
I was in school. It was in school. And I mean, was there a teacher there? Was there anybody other than in that room? No. That’s a little That’s That’s odd.
This is the this is the late 80s.
Ari: Okay, no, all right.
Lindsay: But, I mean, that was terrifying. Because, in my mind, this man was, you know, an adult, a friend, a trusted person. And when you see police officers, you know, something’s not right, I guess. And so after school was over that day, you know, my brother. I told him I was, well, he told me that same thing like some detectives We’re asking him questions about this man. But we never told each other what was going on because I just I don’t know, explain it. Imagine being that age, you don’t know what those body parts are for you weren’t told that nobody should do this. And you shouldn’t know any of that stuff. So it’s really embarrassing and uncomfortable. And we just kind of what’s the word? Just kind of said, Yeah, detectives came and talked to us about. I don’t have an officer’s name. But you know, we were just on edge. I guess. My parents didn’t know anything was going on. I remember, like having nightmares. But I still, like I said, wasn’t going to tell my parents what was going on? Because the man threatened to kill my parents if I did. So, so. So then, you know, an investigation gets started. And that, if that wasn’t enough, and this is part of children that are, you know, sexually abused, the other little boy sexually abused me, my own brother did. It’s not that it was nobody’s fault. It’s called a cyst. It’s a sick thing that happens to children is they call it grooming that they don’t you know, and, of course, my mind, at that age doesn’t associate any of this. Of anything wrong, or you know, something’s wrong, but like, it doesn’t. It’s not supposed to process that kind of stuff. Right. So then, I guess my parents, okay. Yeah,
Ari: no. So basically, you know, a lot of it’s been happening, whatever, but they actually caught the guy. And they ultimately had a trial and they ultimately convicted to him.
Lindsay: Yes, we actually, as the trial was going on, we moved down the street, not far from where it happened. But this man came to our school to me, my brother’s elementary school saying here is our uncle there to pick us up. And I remember my mother running into our elementary school, like just, I mean, totally terrified. And I think till this day, that that man was going to kidnap us, and obviously, maybe do some bad and kill us. I don’t want confirmation. But why else? Would he come try to pretend to be somebody to pick us up? There is an investigation going on? You know,
Ari: right now, that wasn’t that wasn’t the person who molested you? Or was was that was the guy.
Lindsay: Yeah, the investigation? investigation was going on, right? No, I can’t tell you how many years the investigation went on in my mind. Like, it wasn’t something I kept track of. I remember, like my grandparents seeing the man on TV when they finally you know, got a worn out for him. And he was on TV and shackles. And as a child, seeing that this is where I guess so much guilt just stored in me felt like I did something bad or we did something bad because he was an adult friend to us. And now he’s in trouble. So we did go to the trial. That was crazy. A bailiff went up to my father and said, Whatever you do, don’t don’t kill this man. It’s not worth it, you know? And I was just like, why would he say that to my father? You know? It’s it’s hard to wrap around. Being such a young child knowing that something bad happened, and somebody’s in trouble for it. And, you know, we’re part of it in a way I guess.
Right. So he was convicted, I think to what, 22 years in jail,
89 and in 1989.
Ari: And then, I guess, ultimately, around the age of nine or so you moved to California?
Lindsay: Yeah. After the trial was over. And stuff. My parents moved us to California. Yeah. And my brother started showing signs of germophobia started washing his hands a lot. And this is where I because the the family dynamics really changed. We never talked about what happened but we all knew what happened, I guess.
Ari: How many how many siblings were you? Your brother, okay, go ahead.
Lindsay: My brother is just a couple of years older than me. So yeah. My mother was a night a night shift nurse back then and you My father engineer, so I think I saw all of this stirred up emotion everywhere. And they were focusing on my brother because he was starting to act out and do things. And I, for some reason told myself to not to just shut down to shut down. And I couldn’t handle anybody touching me. But I didn’t want to say anything. So I just learned to shove my emotions down. Because I didn’t want anything else stirred up in the household. You know, it was just, it was just, it was hard. And so yes, we moved to California. It seems like the logical thing to do. I mean, why would anybody want to stay in a place like that? So we moved to California, and California, my brothers started. Really, he went from a very, you know, just really good student to then dressing differently, acting differently, started vandalizing things started doing all sorts of stuff, causing a lot of commotion for my parents. So I became the child that, I guess kind of had the expectations of being good and no problems and stuff like that. And so needless to say, I was kind of feeling I guess, neglected, or just invincible, because my brother was getting a lot of attention. So um, you know, I tried to start dressing crazy, like Gothic or whatever. And just, I would never get the same kind of attention as my brother no matter what. But you know, California is a different breed of people, in my opinion. I was in second or third grade when we moved there. And I’ll tell you what, from California, yes. Yes.
Ari: Doesn’t was were you that younger, were you? I think you’re a little older now.
Lindsay: So 89 is when he got convicted. I remember being third grade, when we third or fourth grade, third or fourth grade,
Ari: fourth grade makes more sense,
Lindsay: doesn’t it? Okay, sorry. It’s been a long time ago. Yeah, that’s okay. Um, so we so yes, so when we get to California, people are very different. They’re, they just as my opinion, they are about status they are about looks. And so I found out very quickly, I didn’t fit up to standards with I wasn’t skinny enough. I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t this enough. And those just added on to a lot more insecurities, which I still suffer with today. Because of that, I mean, I developed faster than most girls. And then was picked on for that, you know, and that still stems with me today. All of these feelings of not good enough. And all this shame and just not feeling anything I guess. But
Ari: now that led to that led to you doing something else, when you were in sixth grade, what happened?
Lindsay: Thank you, thank you. So um, I remember coming home from school and so already on top of everything that happened in my life, I’m carrying so much weight inside so much emotion, so much so much emotions that I don’t even understand at this point. And Adam, add a woman girl turning into a woman on top of it top of that, because I developed very early, you know, and I went into the bathroom and grabbed a shaving razor. I had watched a movie where somebody had cut their wrist who tried to kill themselves. So I took the cut my wrist up and instantly felt all of those feelings that were bottled up in me kind of dissolving for the moment because of the sting and burn really, of the cutting. And, you know, part of me felt a couple of things part of me felt embarrassed, like my parents are going to my parents are gonna see this they’re gonna get mad at me. And part of me felt relieved and so that cutting becomes an addiction to because it’s a quick relief of these emotions. Now my parents, like any good parents would because Cuz you gotta understand, we all know about these kinds of monsters in the world, right? And we might have Kids and stuff, but just hope that we’re not one of those families that gets hit with that. So no parents are given manuals when they have children of what to have what to do.
Ari: Yeah. How to deal with this. Sure. Yes.
Lindsay: And so my parents did well, they put my brother in therapy, and then they put me in therapy. And back in the early 90s. It really more was, here’s some medication for your trauma. Here’s Prozac, here’s pills. They knew there was trauma, they knew there was an event that happened. And it was kind of like, let’s dish out pills. And so the doctors prescribed me. And like I said, I was like, gosh, I was like 1211 12 Getting, I want to say Prozac. Maybe it was the first one I’m not sure. And what did I end up doing all that I tried to take an overdose of it? And my mother gave me I think it’s called a capac syrup. It’ll make you induce vomit, right? She’s a nurse.
Ari: Okay, so she, you know what, at least she has that experience. She knows what to do. Thank God.
Lindsay: Yes, I don’t I can tell you if I knew I was taking a lethal overdose. I just knew that. I was. I mean, I don’t even know what goes on what was going on in my brain except I, I didn’t like what I was feeling inside. And I was starting to see that my existence. Just, I didn’t like it anymore. I felt horrible. Inside. It felt damaged. I felt invincible. I felt. I mean, unpopular. I felt like I had no friends. I felt like I didn’t belong in this world. They didn’t fit in. I mean, so I didn’t, I didn’t. I think I kind of knew what I was doing. But probably more for attention seeking at that point. You know, also, you know, the fact of seeing my brother get all this more negative attention, but at least it was attention. Right.
Ari: So, so then came then came the Gothic scene.
Lindsay: Yes. So I’m from California, we make another we moved around a lot. Okay, so my dad thought it was in his best interest to take another job into in Texas. And so we moved to, to Dallas, Texas. And at this point, my brother had ran away, right, he ran away and was still in California. And finally the police found him and brought them to Texas, it was just me and my poor parents. But so we started another school and let me tell you that difficult to that is difficult to keep starting schools in the middle of semester or in schools, semesters or whatever and get to know people or didn’t say goodbye to friends that you made and that becomes something in itself too. Right? And so yeah. Now my my brother was getting so much attention and had seemed to have so many friends because he was dressing you know, quote unquote cool like the skateboarders, the Gothics. Or, you know, where the chain and stuff and hanging with the bad crowd. But he was getting, in my opinion, everything that I wanted, like, I felt like I couldn’t make a friend. I had like one friend, I wanted popularity, I wanted to feel important. And so yeah, I started trying to be like him, I guess. And you know, it just like I said, for some reason, maybe it’s just because I’m the girl and the baby girl like the attention my parents were like, a lot rougher on me than my brother. I think that’s because like I said they I had the expectations to be the the winning kid, I guess, you know, which is why I’m probably a perfectionist, which is horrible. But
Ari: how old were you when when you started smoking and when you started to dabble in drugs and alcohol.
Lindsay: So that was about so I’m 13 and this is why we moved to Texas so my brother smoke cigarettes, so I you know, thought he was cool. And that’s really the only reason you ever start smoking cigarettes is because you think you’re cool smoking cigarettes. So 13 and my, my brother was the first person that gave me drugs, which was I think we was weed back then. And then there was another drug there. Do it and think of it I think he had opium on he knows that exists in this world anymore like opiate opiate to do but like the opium Right. And, you know, I was following his footsteps, I guess. And so that was my first experience of altering my state of mind, I guess with with substance and I didn’t, I don’t have my body doesn’t react well with with, with weed, I get sick. So I just it’s not appealing to me. Same thing with alcohol but the only time I drank is when I wasn’t legally supposed to. And that’s probably because of the excitement of doing something like bad or something. Because when I came 21 It was just like, it’s no fun. I’m allowed to do it. But, um, so So yeah, there’s till 13. And then we move on. We we ended up moving to another place in Texas, right? So my god starting a new school again. And it’s because my brother was kind of was acting out. And so they thought if we move schools and then to get a fresh start, you know, things will be okay. And this is why my whole life I feel like I need to run away I think.
Ari: Okay, so now. All right, your next phase is you move from not to not to terrible drugs to cocaine. Yep. Yeah. Right. And you were worried about 15 I was 15 when you got addicted to coke.
Lindsay: I was never forget it.
Ari: So what happened then?
did you go for treatment? Did you go?
Lindsay: I did. I did. So when I first got so I was, you know, in that Gothic scene, I did play in a band and was a little punk rocker and stuff. So in my eyes, that was part of the seat and drugs were a part of the Rock and Roll scene, right? But it’s just crazy. How there are things in your life, you’ll say, you’ll never do like, you know, I’ll never I’ll never do this. I’ll never touch this drug. I’ll never do that. And you end up doing these things. It’s crazy. Because I’ve described before remembering the dare officer come to our school and elementary school right with all that drug kids. While these videos is horrible videos of the effects of drugs, and it terrified me like why would anybody ever want to do this? It’s horrible. So at 15 I was just I was with a friend and she wanted me to meet some guy anyways, they had cocaine and this guy have laid out my initials, he spelled my initials out and coke and and my first thing is like, No, I will never do that. Because I remember all the bad things I was told about it. Right? Right. But the part inside of me that wanted to feel something else, right? Did it did it and my the first time I did it, I didn’t feel whatever I was supposed to feel I didn’t feel the effects until the second time I did. Coke again. And that’s when I felt the immediate feeling of what I will explain in that moment as an adolescent way is what heaven on earth felt like what? No, no painful emotions, I felt strong. I felt socially accepted. I felt strong. I felt good inside. And that’s why we get hooked on drugs and chase them for a long, long time. Right. And, and not to mention the fact that some of my friend’s parents were like, corporate executives doing coke having cocaine parties, and you want to talk about enticing how that looked in my eyes. Like these people are wealthy. And these people have fun. They had tons of people that have Playboy Mansion parties. I mean, so to me, I started developing in my head that’s the life that I want. That’s that looks like such a great life. This drug feels good. Money seems it must come with it right? You know, the status of Coke was like that rich people did it and it’s just some life that I started believing that I wanted. But within a month of doing the drug I quickly knew quickly started knowing that I was addicted to it. All the money all the little money that I had saved up I had like a few grand saved up. It was gone. It was gone in a month and And we were literally giving pennies to a dealer. I mean, and another sick fact that people some people know about some people don’t is that you’ve got a lot of drug dealers out there that are better have meaning 18 plus years old, they’re selling drugs to minors. And not only that, trying to mess around sexually with minors now being like a 15 and 16 year old girl when an older guy is hitting on you, right? In your distorted mind, you think you’re cool or something? And I don’t know why I don’t know why. Or maybe that was just me. I don’t think I was the only female that felt that way. But really, that’s what we call like a pedophile, you know? Absolutely. Yeah. And you know, so yeah, my addiction. Coke will take you down pretty quickly. It’ll take take you take you to places you don’t want everyone to be at. And I eventually told my mom, I think she saw the signs I was isolating. I lived up in my room. I mean, I was going through about an eight by sorry, go through an eight ball a day, which is I don’t know how much it cost nowadays. But that was a lot of money, especially for somebody who’s in school and working for for 25 an hour. You know. And my mother Yeah, that she put me into a kind of adolescent facility for addicts and mental health. I think, too, we were able to do our schoolwork there and stuff. And I did good. I did good there for a second. But
when I look back now, I would find it I remember finding like a guy that I claimed with you know, or, and kind of was substituting that from the addiction. And I think a lot of addicts understand this. And that’s why they say don’t get into relationships that we all know the tricks of the trade is we try to substitute one thing for another. And we usually try to substitute relationships that probably aren’t the healthiest thinking that will get away from the drug addiction because we really don’t want to face ourselves. Right. So it’s just a bandaid. Just another banding. Right. So
Ari: did you did you ultimately graduate from high school?
Lindsay: I did. I did. I did. I ended up finishing out with just like the last six months with the home school my mother had even put me in like a Christian school and I got kicked out for cocaine use and she even put me there was even like a little like little high school they had for kids that had substance abuse problems and we got you aid and stuff like that and once again I stayed sober for nine months but um I met a guy there who was a heroin addict and I was labeled myself as just a coke addict right so in my sick world I thought he doesn’t like my drug and I don’t like his drug and we could have this happily family and be sober the rest of our lives it’s just it’s just the way my mind thought back then. And you know I stayed clean but a lot of the times two addicts will relapse together you know I think at this point in my life i i just wanted some acceptance some love that I was searching for. I thought that I could find that and other people I thought that they would help my healing process but yes, so I did I did graduate high school I did go to college and I would have these these sober times right I’d stay sober and do what I need to do you know go to college and then my addiction would resurface somehow usually because of a relationship when I was in school I went to community college for I went to a few different colleges but um you know I would stay sober like I said and then meet some guy needed meet somebody and everything in my life was so intense like every relationship I was in was so intense and and it’s kind of like an addiction in itself and then something would go south or something and I go back to my coping mechanism because by this time in my life I’ve established that drugs make helped me cope with things I don’t want to feel right and but at this point, I chasing a high that I’ll never get back those one time feelings of the euphoria and stuff too. don’t exist anymore, but you chase it for years. You know? So I’m
Ari: Lindsay, thank you so much for sharing your story, at least part one. We’re out of time right now. So what we’re going to do is, we’re going to pick this up within the next couple of days. And, and I really want to thank you for being so forthright with your story. Really, really, you know, I’m humbled by the courage that you have in order to do this. And it’s so important for my audience that they should, you know, they should hear this and understand what it’s all about, in case they’re in that position. But I think I think what you’re doing is is journalists, in general, very, very heroic, and I my hat is off to you, but we will get back to recording next time and we will continue on with the story. You’ll be listening to whispers and bricks, and I’m your host every show but remember, if you feel like you’re stuck in the mud, like you’re spinning your wheels, wasting time, your career, your business your life. If you know you’re not enjoying all the success, satisfaction and significance that you desire. Then it’s time for you to book a call with me at www dot call with ari.com. Check out my whispers and bricks Coaching Academy. Until next time, listen to the whispers avoid the bricks and never ever give up on your dreams. Bye for now.
