Carly Israel: Amazing TranAmazing Transformational Story of a child of alcoholics and grandchild of Holocaust survivors
Carly Israel: Amazing Transformational Story of a child of alcoholics and grandchild of Holocaust survivors
Co-Parenting Coach helping clients facing divorce/post-divorce address whatever is no longer serving their new goals and empowering them to make choices that won’t emotionally harm their children. Published author of memoir, Seconds & Inches (September 2020). Huff Post contributor, host of the popular sobriety podcast, Northstar Big Book, and just released podcast, In Your Corner Divorce. Only accepting clients who are committed to hard work, living their best life, and writing their new story
Ari: Welcome to whispers and bricks. My name is Ayesha and I am your host. We have the honor and privilege of having a wonderful, wonderful individual who has faced many trials and tribulations in her life. You are going to love her story. You’re going to love how she recreated herself in essence, Carly Israel is a co parenting coach at in your corner divorce. She’s the author of seconds and inches a memoir. She is a contributor at the Huffington Post. And she hosts two podcasts of her own. The first one is called in your corner divorce. And the second one is North start big book. She’s the mother of three wild boys sober warrior and beautiful mess. Please help me welcome Carly Israel.
Carly: Thank you so much. I am so excited to be on with you today.
Ari: Yeah, terrific. Okay, so I’m going to start with what I know. Okay. And that basically is I read your book seconds in inches. And I was totally, totally blown away. It was just like, I want to say I couldn’t put it down. But I had to put it down. You know, I’m saying there was so many places where I literally I just started to cry and my heart went out and I had to put the book down just to be able to recover. But what a great read you tell me any of the places that were hard for you, oh, a bunch of places that they really were. And at the end of the podcast, I’m gonna ask you how my audience my listeners can get a hold of your book. Okay. Okay, now your podcast in your corner divorce. That’s pretty much self explanatory. I get it. All right, people go through divorce. What is a one a co parenting coach? What is North Star big book, and who are what is sober warrior?
Carly: I’m going to connect all of them because everything’s connected, as you know. So I got sober January 27 99, which would have been the day I died, it was either going to be my, the day I died or the day got sober. And from that period of time, I’ve become a sober warrior. Because as you know, a warrior is going to have cuts and bruises and blood and they’re going to have been season which I am. And I’ve fought a lot of battles. But because of them, I’ve found my way through my higher power and God and connecting in North Star. So when I was going through my divorce, which who wants to go through divorce. But it was what was happening. And I refused that idea that my kids were going to be like messed up and need therapy. And we were not going to talk. And I said to my friend who I knew was doing a really good job at being divorced, how do I do this. And he said, You know what the North Star is I was like, kind of and he’s like, it’s what sailors use when they’re lost in the dark, and they can’t find their way home. And when you’re lost in the dark, which you are right now, you’re going to look up to the North Star, but the North Star for you is going to be your three boys. And you are going to focus on them. And that’s always going to guide you through the storm. And so that’s become my concept of a divorce and how I figure out how to coach people to focus on their kids. And it also goes back to big book because I have a podcast where I take men and women all over the world through the pages in the book that helped me stay sober.
Ari: Wow, wow. And what is a co parenting coach?
Carly: Great question. So divorce doesn’t have great representation out there. It’s not like a great marketing word. co parenting is about two people that want to not mess up their kids, their marriage didn’t work out. They know that they have to go through this process. It’s not an easy process. And they need to learn how to parent together like a coach like cook like a co pilot. And so I coach parents either one on one virtually or both of them if they’re both in inclined, focusing on getting rid of their stuff, all their yucky stories about what happened and their scorecards, and focusing on what do you want for your children going forward into homes.
Ari: Wow. Okay. Wow. Now, as you know, the name of the podcast is whispers and bricks, and the whispers of those voices telling you what is the right thing to do. They represent the good in life. And the bricks represent the bad things that we all go through in life. We all get hit with a brick at some point in time or another. I don’t know anybody that hasn’t been hit with a brick of some kind. Now the reason I asked you to be on my show is because after I read your book, I knew that there were people in my audience who were going through the exact same things that you had gone through, they have been hit with brick after brick much like what you had gone through and they needed to hear and to know that they could get through the trials and tribulations the same way that you did they needed to know that there were whispers out there that could save them. So in your life, you have had many, many bricks thrown at you from drug abuse, alcoholism, bad marriage, an ill child. I mean, the list goes on and on. Now, can you take us back to those troublesome years, and tell us how you managed to get through it all, like, give me the 20 minute version, I don’t need the whole book version, I just want like the 20 minute version.
Carly: Before I go there, I want to tell you that I love your explanation and what the whispers rubrics are. And because I’ve read your book four times, because I read it for myself, I heard your story. And I have three boys. And we all read it one at a time together. And they loved it, like wow, reports on you. But I thought that whispers and bricks were about the literal bricks that were coming down for you in the buildings and the whispers of your universe and God telling you like, keep going. That’s what it’s all about. Awesome. So for me, I’ll give you the short version, I have to back up enough to tell you why I wrote the book. So I was sitting in Yom Kippur war at services. And I heard a Rabbi say, because you know, like, for the holidays, for people who don’t know, the Jewish holidays, you’re supposed to be reflecting and thinking about what kind of life you want to live and what you want going forward and what you want to change. And this rabbi said that he heard the story, it was actually a Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook, who did a year’s worth of letters, thank you letters to people in his life that made his life brighter. And I was like, I like challenges that force me because like, if you just make for a year, every day, it’s gonna change you. But I don’t know about you. But I was never gonna be able to write a letter every day and actually send it because God made the decision. I was gonna do a post every day on social media, which I did. And my posts were really well liked. Because one of the gifts I have is writing, you know, you know what your gifts are when you know them. I think we have this very similar one speaking of writing and teaching. And so anyways, one of my sons came home crying, we live in a beautiful neighborhood, very family friendly, lots of kids. And he went out to play this is my middle kid, big glasses legally blind. And he never goes out with the other kids. He goes out, he comes back crying. I’m like, what’s happening? He’s like, the kids told me I couldn’t play with them. And my heart just like, You know what? Kids are jerks. Right? Yeah. And you know, and I didn’t want to be like, Oh, sticks and stones can’t hurt you. Because that’s not true. Right? They do hurt. Yeah. So that day, I hadn’t written my thank you post for my daily post. And I had a great talk with my son. And my thank you that day was to the kid on my street that made fun of my kid. And the reason why it was my thank you is because that kid taught us a great lesson, we had a great conversation. And we really had to focus on like, what kind of person we want to be in the world. That post ended up getting more comments and likes than any of them. And people were like, give us more like this. So I did a year goes by they’re like, You can’t stop writing. And I was like, okay, so I did a year of challenges. And I got a message, will you turn this into a book from a publisher? And I did. And in order for me to write my story, and as you know, because you’ve read it, I can’t just share my story, because it’s not mine alone, I carry with me the stories of my ancestors. And one of the critiques I got from my book over and over was, you could have turned this into four books. Because first part is written my ancestors who were Holocaust survivors, we had a fatal fire and addiction. And then the middle part is kind of like my mess of addiction and life and marriage and kid. And then the last part is my renaissance of coming through it and then intertwine is all the thank yous to the people. But the reason why I can’t turn that in for books is because it’s all I know, I’m never going to make up something right. The memories, my whispers of the bricks were from my ancestors who are no longer here. And I’m not going to like, put filler in there so people can like feel like they have more of a story. So I like the idea of giving little snippets of our story so people can understand where we’re coming from. Does that make sense? Absolutely. So I’ll just give you a little bit of background to not ruin anything. I’m 22 years sober today. I’m 41 years old. I have three boys. Growing up. I grew up in a beautiful life, Jewish family, both sides. My grandparents were Holocaust survivor. On one side, my other grandparents never talked about anything. And we didn’t know a lot of their story and ended up growing up in an alcoholic home. And for anyone that’s listening that grew up in an alcoholic home. They’re very, very clear things that it looks like you care about what’s going on inside you to keep your outside looking good. So you got to get good grades, you got to dress nice, you need to act appropriate, and you can’t tell anybody what’s going on. And so that was the house I grew up in. And my parents ended up getting sober when I was about 13. And I had already started using and drinking then and we kind of missed each other.
So I don’t know the age I actually became an alcoholic but I had my first drunk I Manischewitz wine at nine. When I was at Passover dinner, it was totally acceptable that we’re all drinking, because everyone was drinking. And you know, if you’re Jewish, you can’t be an alcoholic. You know that because it might dull the pain so you can’t get caught. And, you know, looking back, I gotta tell you, and this is pretty interesting. And there’s actually going to be a cool webinar about this. My mother, myself, my grandmother, the three of us, okay, and my grandmother was 19. My mother was born, my mom had us pretty young to typical, beautiful, wonderful women. I was the first in all my family’s history to graduate college like, to kind of really become, but she was a Holocaust survivor. My mom was first generation American, came to this country and sad, like, we can’t complain about anything. Because anytime I want to talk about something, I’m like, my parents were in the Holocaust, like, you know, so Oh, right. Yeah. My generation, the first generation that’s able to talk about it in a way that is like, people want to listen, right? So we’re actually doing the here’s the crazy part already. All three of us are sober. Myself, my mother and my grandmother,
Ari: your great was your grandmother was an alcoholic.
Carly: At 80 years old, she got sober.
Ari: Oh, my God, I didn’t know that part.
Carly: Yeah, so she got sober at she always drink. But she was like the kind of alcoholic keep it together and didn’t look messy, like my mother and myself. But I also knew that I never let my kids drive with her because I knew she drink a lot. Shabbos was her most important time of the week, and all the family would always come over. And it just got to the point where it was so bad, that it was Chavez was a nightmare. It was like she was slurring her words, and it was getting messy. And I didn’t want to impose anything on her. Because, as you know, I’m sober. And I know you can’t make somebody sober. But what I did was I stood up for my three kids in a way that no one did for me when I was growing up. And I said, we can’t come here anymore. I couldn’t tell her what to do. I just said, I didn’t say in front of anyone. I just told her privately. I love you. We can’t come here anymore. And she said, why? And I said, I can’t put my kids through what I went through. And she’s told me since then we’ve had many talks that that was what she needed. That was the brick that she needed.
Ari: She needed.
Yeah. So she’s 87 years old now. And she’s been through everything. And she’s actually one of the reasons why I’m a co parenting coach, because when I told her I was going through my divorce, her first words were, I’m not God, I will never judge you. And I’ve went through the Holocaust, Carly, and I can tell you that the worst thing that’s ever happened in my life was being an adult child of divorce from my two parents. And I was,
Carly Yeah, I didn’t know that either. She said, as an adult, she would be at one of their houses for dinner for a holiday. And they would be like, where are you going? Yes, she looked at her watch or got up? Are you going to go see your other parents and made her feel horrible? And she’s like, you can never do that to your kids. And I’m like, Thank you.
Ari: You started drinking at nine. And if I remember from the book, you certainly an alcoholic by the age of 13?
Carly: I mean, what an alcohol it is, at least the way I work with women about it is you can’t control the amount you put in your body when you have it in your body. So like if you decide you’re not going to get drunk, you get drunk because you just can’t stop drinking. Or when you don’t have it in your body. You’re like, I am miserable without this in my body, which is how I felt all the time
Ari: At What point did you start drinking?
Carly: So my parents got sober when I was 13. I was already off and running. And I did not allow them to be our parents for the rest of my like high school growing up because I was resentful. And I was like, Don’t impose any of your rental structures onto me. You’ve been MIA for the last 13 years.
Carly: Which is kind of interesting, because you read my story. My grandfather that ended up escaping the gas chambers lived by himself in the woods at age nine. Yeah, my father at age eight stood by a sister’s funeral by himself. No one else was there in the immediate family. So it’s like, I’m seeing all these patterns of our ancestors growing up at an age that no one should be growing up at. Right. Right. So back to your question, my story and I don’t want to spoil it, but I got sober and College of high University. It was either going to be the date of my death of the date of my sobriety date. And thank God I didn’t get what I wanted.
Ari: Wow. Okay, so that’s the alcoholic part. Now take us through the issue with your son’s with your ill child.
Carly: Yes. So I love being a mother. I would have had a gaggle of kids if I could have I had three boys back to back and my youngest son, Levi in the book. It was a pretty intense couple of days. The NICU but I’d already had a NICU baby before. At that point I still like was okay. I was still like, we’re gonna be okay. And me and God are tight and whatever is gonna happen or it’s gonna happen for a reason we’re okay, we’re going to be okay. And at this point, six months into his life my uncle was a cardiologist says Carly, there’s something wrong with the way his head looks. He had no hair like baby, so have no hair. The veins in his head are really really poofy. They kind of looked like one nurse Joker was like Medusa was like on top of his head just like a poofy, like spider Octopussy looking thing. And long story short, we ended up in the worst position any parent could possibly be placed in which is our son was told by the best pediatric neurosurgeons in the country in the world, that what he had no one has ever had before ever. There’s zero other humans that have his condition. And there were two differing opinions from all the medical facilities that were the best. And one group said, If you don’t do something about his condition, which was basically part of the drainage from his brain to his heart, and back again, was blocked off completely blocked off. And they’ve never seen it before in a baby. They didn’t know stroke victim because a stroke happened, they never seen baby. And they said you have to intervene, or else he’s gonna get something called venous hypertension, which is a backup of blood and you die. Or if you intervene, he will die on the table. Because what they want to do is they want to cut off the part that’s close off and reattach a different part. But they’ve never done it. It was like Grey’s Anatomy, like the finale, like the worst thing you could possibly imagine. And they left it up to us as parents, like, what do you want to do? So what did you do? So I spent five weeks in some of the darkest places of my life, walking through every moment getting emails and phone calls from doctors everywhere. What I talk about in the book, or you can tell from me, is I’m a fighter. I’m a warrior. And you know, my last name, Israel means one who wrestles with God. And I knew even what was going on that if there was anyone that should be given this brick, it should be me, because I will do anything on her for my kid. And I did. And I fought and I advocated and we ended up at Boston Children’s Hospital, because they were the only this story alone. And I think it was in the book. I always get this wrong, you’ll help me. Michelangelo is the artist. And then David is the art piece.
Carly: So I heard this story a long time ago, that Michelangelo did not create David. He just removed everything that wasn’t David. And I love that concept. Because while we are going through this horrible process of where do we take our kid? And what do we do? Each institution dropped out once they got the scans once they understood the gravity. And all that was left with David was Boston, right? And so I knew going through it, we’re going to get an answer. We’re gonna get a whisper. And we did. And we went there. I remember, we were told that we might going to have one or two brain surgeries, we didn’t know how far apart they were going to be, he needed an angiogram first. And there was a possibility we would not be bringing him home, like ever. And I remember sitting in that terminal at the airport, and holding him and it was snowstorm and it was so scary. And I remember I went to my therapist at the time. And I said, like, I don’t know how to do this. And he’s like, you’re on a mission to save your son, you don’t have time for emotions, like when you were going down the tower like you don’t have,
Ari: Right people don’t understand that. And again, what I went through, I don’t think there’s anything compared to what you went through. I went through it for a day you went through it for years. But I’m just saying that when you’re in that situation, you turn into the mode that I’ve got a mission, whatever it is, I’m going to do in order to get through that mission. And you know, you just go on autopilot, you just keep plowing through until you’re done and that you did that. That’s what I remember going down to seven, eight flights of stairs, it was Virginia with Virginia, the burn victim, and it was like I had a mission, I needed to get her out of that building. And I needed to get her into an ambulance and I was gonna do whatever it took
Carly: to survive.
Ari:Yes, you need that correct.
Carly: I was that person in our marriage. My washusband, which is I stole the term from a friend. He was my husband. He’s a great human. He’s a great father, we co parent really well together. That was not his wheelhouse, like he could not show up like that. And it was my job, and that’s fine. And so when we went there, we found out the best possible scenario for our son, which is when they did the angiogram, they found out that they could not intervene because he would not survive. And that they felt that his brain created a system that was working for him. And we’re going to leave it alone. So in the back of his head, he’s got to open spaces where the skull doesn’t close because if it did, it would crush that system. And then I left there with you know, PTSD And two months later, he starts getting crazy fevers that go over 107. So we’re an ers for years, searching out solutions. So along the way, you know, I became the woman I am today. And I wanted to ask you this question, because it’s really been interesting to me though we both know each other from my synagogue, and there are amazing people, but I remember on I think it was on Yom Kippur, they had like this pamphlet out and one of the prayers to God was please don’t give me anything challenging this year. And I’m not someone who doesn’t just let something go. And I said to my rabbis wife, I said, roughly, I don’t agree with this. And she said, why not? And I want to know why you would think why not? Why would I not want to ask God to not give me something challenging?
Ari: I think you thrive on the challenge.
Carly: But what happens
for us from those bricks? What do you get?
Carly: Yeah, I mean, don’t you think you’re a better Ari than you’ve ever been because of that challenge?
Ari: Yes, I absolutely do. But that it wasn’t something that I wished for.
Carly: Of course not.
Ari: Of course not. Okay. But no, I don’t agree. In other words, I think that when you know, through life, nobody wants to go through challenges, right? You know, you always hear I’m up for the challenge. I’m up for the challenge. But nobody wants to go through challenges. They get it thrust upon them more often than not. And when they get it thrust upon them, that’s when, you know, it’s as they say, that separates the men from the boys, are you going to curl up into a little ball and die? Or are you going to meet it head on and do whatever it takes in order to beat it? Now, obviously, you are one of those people who you are not going to curl up into a little bowl there
Carly: You aren’t either
Ari: okay, but this show is about you, not me? So let’s go on.
Carly: But I want to address this for a second. Okay, here’s the deal. And it’s what my book is about, right? First of all, one of the things that you shared with me, and I don’t know, if you share with your other audiences that about being handed a black piece of canvas, right? And not knowing how it fits into anything and feeling like what am I supposed to do with this. And then finally, being able to step back and see like where it fits into the beautiful picture of your life. I will not ask my god to not give me challenges. Obviously, I don’t want to have my son in pain. Obviously, you didn’t want to have all those people’s lives destroyed and in towers, right? What I don’t know what’s best for the universe for me for each other. And I can tell you, I’m a better human today, because I’m the mother of Liva. And I’m a better human today, because I watch my grandfather cover his eyes when talking about his parents whose faces he doesn’t remember, because he was nine the last time he saw that I have a different perspective and gratitude because of those challenges. So I will never ask them not having that. That makes sense to a degree. Yeah, we can agree to disagree and love each other.
Ari:Oh, absolutely. That’s 100%. Yeah. So what happened with your son, he sent him from Boston hospital, they said, we’re not doing anything. Anybody said you either need to do this in a day, you need to do that.
Carly: Right. So think of his main system that we all have as the freeway, he can’t take the freeway because it’s blocked off his body created side streets that could figure out their own way to get there, his body created it, his body’s a genius, right? So his body figured it out. And we’re moving on. His only problem with his head now is that if he gets trauma to the open area in the back, as I’m not joking, these are the words from the doctor at the big brain surgeon in Boston, he said, I will not operate on your son unless my back is against the wall on the walls on fire. And if if there is trauma, it is what it would look like a Pulp Fiction scene, because it would be so massive. So that’s that one. And the way I deal with that is every time he would be at a playdate or a school or a camp, or removed, I would have to go up to whoever it was and say, Hey, trying not to freak you out. But this is the situation, if this happens is what I need you to do. And it’s a lot navigate because you don’t want to scare somebody, right? No, no, this is what I need you to do.
Ari: Right? Your husband, you were two different people really, you were the one who it was able to step up. He was in for whatever reason, we never fault people for not being able to do something because you know, that’s their nature. And oftentimes I know that there was a situation in my family, where my parents were going through something with one of my siblings, and my father who always was the pillar of strength in our family. He was Dave Schoenbrunn, you know, he was six feet tall to 25. Really, I mean, he was just a good looking guy. He had everything going for him, whatever. And when this situation happened, he just crawled up and couldn’t deal with it. And my mom was the one who had to deal with it. And thank God Everything worked out. But I’m just saying so I’ve seen it this big strapping man who had we revered literally, and this issue comes up he can’t deal with it. I never faulted my father for it wasn’t his strength. That’s not what he did. My mom was Superwoman, okay, like you, she was super woman, she just was able to deal with it. And we got through it. So I hear that. All right, so what happens?
Carly: it’s not the reason why our marriage didn’t last, I always talk about home marriage when I coach clients is like a house and the foundation of a house, and it needs to be strong, and it needs both parties to be holding it up. And then when life is going to happen, because it happens to all of us, is going to put weight on that structure. And the weight of dealing with the scary stuff with our son showed more of the cracks, and pretty much anything else could have. And even from that I want things to work. We went to marriage counseling on and off for six years, we were just different humans. And I think that at the end of the day, we no one did anything wrong. I think the best way to communicate it is to say that we were not right for each other, we couldn’t be the partner that the other person needed me included. And so that, you know, is sad, because no one gets married, hoping that they’re going to not make it. Right. It’s hard as I work as a divorcee and a coach in that area, there’s always going to be moments that just suck because you don’t get to do with your kids all the time, right. But that was probably the most courageous and challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life more than any of the other things. Because on the outside, everything was perfect on paper. And on the inside it was we literally lived in our dream home that I designed on a compound of my parents and my grandparents, all three generations on the same land. Wow. And we had to leave and it was a big mess in our family.
Ari: Wow. Tell us a little bit what happened after the divorce. Like, What is life like right now? What are you doing right now? And what is life like now? Did you remarry?
Carly: Yes. So I met my current husband and hopefully last one, Jonathan, through a ridiculously seconds and inches, kind of whispers and bricks moment. And all intertwined. Everything we just talked about when our son leave, I was really sick. After Boston, I came home and he started getting all these fevers and they didn’t know what’s going on. And now he’s on some pretty heavy injections that shut off his immune system. And I was going through a period of time where I couldn’t find gratitude. Like I was just broken and shut off. I was stuck. And I didn’t know how to get it back. Because that’s not like me. And I saw someone’s post on Facebook. And it was of a picture of a little boy who was 10. It was from his father who you will love his writing and you guys need to meet each other actually was telling him about you the other day, you will love him. His name is Christopher Jones and his Facebook is Mitchell’s journey. And Christopher talks about himself as an unapologetic photographer. That name sounds familiar to you? Yes, it actually does. So his son Mitchell had Dushanbe muscular dystrophy, which is terminal fatal if your son has it. It’s a death sentence. At age three, they found out and he started chronically writing and keeping photographs from mostly family but a quarter of a million followers in like a journal, but on Facebook, and his writing happens to be ridiculously beautiful. So that day that I was sitting in the car in waiting for Starbucks being sad and stuck, was it a Mitchell die, I’d never ever seen his post before that day. And I opened up my Facebook feed and was that post and it just broke me open with gratitude and perspective and brought me to my knees. I read the entire thing from the beginning of the end. And I realized that Mitchell’s parents whose Christopher and his wife, Natalie would do anything on earth to have my problems. And they would do anything to hold their son burning up in the hospital, like I got to hold my son growing up in the hospital. And it changed everything for me. And so I ended up writing a letter, which is interesting because I wrote all these letters in my book, but I think letter writing is really important. I wrote him an email, which I expected him to never read because he has a quarter of a million followers, right. Seven months later, he emails me and he’s like, I’ve not stopped thinking about your email. And I want to connect with you. This news station is doing a documentary on Mitchell’s journey and the effect that’s had on people and would you be okay with them flying from Utah to Cleveland to interview you and your family? And I was like, Oh, yeah. So they did and we did and I posted it. And when I posted it, this man named Jonathan who’s now my husband saw the post. And meanwhile, Jonathan, I only know because he went to high school with my then husband. And I knew that he had lost his daughter to bring cancer. And his sister to a horrible car accident. So bricks, bricks, bricks, right? Right. He messages me in a private message. And he’s like, I had no idea this was going on in your life. And we were Facebook friends, but you know, you could be Facebook friends with anyone and never talk to them. Yeah. And so that message felt Like a whisper, and I cried when I opened it. I don’t know why I cry when I opened it. And I messaged Christopher Jones. And I said, I sent him a screenshot. And he said, Look what you and your son are doing. You’re connecting people who would never be connected ever. And we became great friends. And I told my was when all about it. We talked every day. And he said, My husband said he did not care that we talked every day, he didn’t care at all that we were having an emotional relationship. And he ended up really getting close, like becoming best friends. And as my marriage was crumbling, and his marriage was crumbling, I would encourage him, go to therapy, go work it out, go do this, go do that. And when I made the decision to leave, he was still in his place of challenges and everything. And I made the decision to leave not because of him, but I told my husband, my feelings like I was 100% honest. And I’d never even touched Jonathan like, never hugged him nothing, fell in love with who he was, as mine was ending. And we became like soulmates. And so it’s not optically beautiful. But it’s our life. And we live in two different states. And we have children in two different states. And it’s bananas, but you can’t choose what your heart wants.
Ari: so was the divorce itself was an amicable you and your husband?
Carly: it was supposed to be but we were also living in our dream home and had to sell it. And it took seven months. And we were doing the legal process in the middle of it in the house with little kids while having showings. And so it was really stressful, which is kind of why I became a co parenting coach, because I don’t believe people need to go through the drama of like the legal part of divorce if their focus is on what’s in the best interest for the kids. And, you know, my husband and I get along really great. Today, like 90% of time, we’re good and 10% of time, we’re not but who isn’t, right. We live four blocks away on purpose, we moved four blocks away from each other. Because you have a bunch of kids, you forget stuff all day long. And so we go back and forth to each other. So you know, you forgot your cord at your dad’s house.
Ari: Oh, wow.
Carly: Yeah, I mean, we did it on purpose.
Ari: Wow. You know, Carly, you are just one special lady, you really are, I hope my audiences appreciates the type of person you are and the type of person you become. And I have no words, I don’t think I’ve ever come across a person quite like you. I’m so happy that you decided to come on my podcast, I think my audience has gotten so much out of this. It’s not even funny.
Carly: Can I just tell you something? First of all, that’s amazing. But I feel like, first of all, I couldn’t believe that you were willing to read my book. Because like you’re already and I was like, Oh, my goodness. And when I read your book, like I said four times, your book could have been called my books name. It’s seconds and inches, you survived when the ambulance had to move. I mean, I tell your story all the time to people. And they’re like, I can’t believe this. I mean, and one of the questions for you. And I know this is not about you. But I have to ask what’s inside of you change mentally, spiritually, emotionally changed. After you’ve walked away from there,
Ari: Nothing had changed. For me, I was the same guy on Wednesday that I was on Tuesday. In 2001. What actually caused the change was people started asking me about my story, my survival, etc. And I started to tell my story. And as I told my story, more and more, it really started to sink in what had happened, okay, because I didn’t appreciate what had happened. I didn’t think it was a big deal. You know, as I’m telling my story, more and more people come up to me, they call it you’ve changed my life, I realize that this has been something that was just, as I say, once in a lifetime type thing. And that’s when I really, really started to change. And I stopped flying off the handle, like I used to spend a lot more time with my kids, my wife, my family, you know, that became central, you know, they were the most important things in my life. So just so once that happens when when you realize what you’ve been through, and that you’ve made it and God is looking out for you, as a person, you become a better person in general. My neighbor next door, nice guy, sweet guy, right? He’s got medical issues, whatever. He was out trying to clean his car off this morning, we you know, from the terrible snow. And so I grabbed my brush from my car, and I went over to him and he’s sorry, what are you doing? I said, Well, I’m helping you. Because number I’m good. I said, yeah. But if there are two of us working, it’ll go twice as fast. I mean, I wanted him to know that it wasn’t because, you know, I was nervous for him that he shouldn’t be worked so hard, that kind of like, you know, what do you mean, I can’t I don’t want to put him in that position. So I put him in the position of No, no, the two of us working together. Just go twice as fast. That’s all Steve no big deal. You know, and he really appreciated that. So it’s the little things it really is. It’s the little things that you do the little things that you say You know the smile,
Carly: you don’t know what it’s gonna do to someone I’m positive, you’re the same way, when people send me messages about my book, I want them to know. And I make them very, very understanding that it makes a difference for me when I hear those kind words, because they could have kept them to themselves. But if they kept it to themselves, I wouldn’t have known the effect that it had, it wouldn’t have given that ripple of kindness, and then my kindness goes on to somebody else, and it matters. I have a really good question for you another one, and then I’m gonna promise. There’s someone I need you to have on this site. Okay, on your episode, and you probably know how to get in touch with him better than I do. Have you heard of Matty long from New York. He was the fire man that during the shut off of the transportation, was riding his bike to do a training run, he got hit by a bus and stuck underneath the bus. It like cut him up from whispers and bricks all day. He has a story called the long run. And I know you can connect with him because you are already and you’ll find a way. And if you do have to let me know because his story is like yours so much.
Ari: You send me a text or an email
Carly: You will love it
Ari: Okay. Is there anything else? Before we go? Anything else you want to share with the audience? Any words of wisdom?
Carly: Yes. So I don’t know about you guys. But during this pandemic, my brain is mush. And I can barely handle everything that’s going on. And so when I’m not doing all the things that we’re doing, I have found myself sending these beautiful pieces of art to people all over the world with my two favorite words on them. And they say get to. So get to has changed my life. I hear myself all the time going, I have to go to the grocery store. And then I say no, I get to go to the grocery store, I have money, I have a car, I can afford food I can have put in my house, right. And my favorite one I get to is about laundry. Because when you have kids, they make a lot of messes they do. And I think every single so our laundry is in the basement, and when I think about taking the wet clothes and putting them in the dryer, every single load every load that there’s not one I miss when I don’t think of this. I think if Levi didn’t make it, I would have less clothes to clean. And that would be the most painful act of my whole life every day having to do less laundry than I wish I could have done. And that is the get to I get to do laundry I get to have messes I get to have all of it because it’s a gift and so my gift to everybody is to change your words to get to
Ari: Thanks so much for sharing your story with my audience. I’m sure you’ve touched the hearts of many of the people in my audience. Good luck going forward. Keep up the good work keep inspiring people because that’s what you do you inspire you inspire me and I’m sure you’ve inspired people. Now if if somebody wants to get a hold of you what’s the best way for them to do that
Carly: Sure my emails in your corner coach all one word in your corner coach at gmail you can find seconds and inches which is my book I’m narrating and if you want to listen the audio or you can read it on paperback or digital on Amazon or audible or any of those places and all my podcasts can be found on anywhere you listen so if you just wanted to check me out on Facebook under Carly Israel like the country you can message me and I am very reachable. So anyway, I’m happy to connect
Ari: and that’s Carly car elle. With a y?
Carly: there’s no I was named after Carly like Carly Simon. Because my parents were hippies? Yeah. But don’t ask me to sing I can’t
Ari: Okay, well, thanks so much. I appreciate it was my pleasure highlight of my day
Carly: Mine too thank you so much. Okay, it was the beginning Ari,
it absolutely is it absolutely.
Ari: If your inNew York you’d stop by I know if I get to Cleveland,
Carly you got space. You’re always have space here.
Ari: Thank you so much for listening
to whispers and bricks. I’m your host Ari Schonbrun. Until next time, listen to the whispers never give up on your dreams. Bye for now.
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